A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 05.30.16

  1. It's the tenth anniversary of The Hills. Starting? Ending? Is it humanly possible than anyone gives a shit? Could they seriously not find even one other cover story? Isn't Amber Rose doing SOMETHING?!?
  2. Oh, Christ. They're starting their own basketball team.
  3. You guys. This is a riveting five-way split. So exciting. Now I know how sports fans feel. Best part is that at first you think they're asking who wore that purse best. But really they're asking about their air of entitlement.
  4. Ugh. I know! I thought it was the real thing too.
  5. I gotta tell you, this is fast becoming one of my favorite parts of my week. What IS in your bag, minor celebrity?
    This week it is Jennifer Nettles which, until this very moment, I thought was a genus of invasive species. And it doesn't matter what is in her purse because this broad is a world-class name-dropper. Check that out: four celebrity names in two short columns. Bravo, Ms. Nettles. You have earned yourself a slow clap.
  6. I'm not kidding. I would do this Roger Sterling motherfucker so hard.
  7. Biden was a life guard! Cue the rescue fantasies in three, two, one...
  8. I knew if I waited long enough, I'd find something David Spade and I agree on.
  9. And by "goofed off" they mean "poked her nip."
  10. Worst. Porno. Ever.
  11. This week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery goes to...Gwen Stefani!
    Although, think how much it would improve morale if all soldiers wore this.
  12. Just take a moment, close your eyes, and try to imagine what it would be like if Snoop Dogg were your GRANDPA.
    I'm all, "I remember when my grandpa taught me how to play dominoes." This kid'll be all, "I remember when grandpa taught me to smoke a bowl."
  13. Tom Brady appears to be morphing into Tom Cruise. Because one was not enough.
    ::::involuntary shivers::::
  14. They should seriously form a dance team. I'd watch that show.
  15. Hey! We FINALLY know who Prince Harry's real father is!!!
    Sorry, James Hewitt.
  16. With all due respect, I will never, ever stop laughing when I read someone's career is "sock designer."
  17. Exactly how the founding fathers envisioned democracy working.
  18. Look, I'm sorry, guys, but I don't hate myself enough to actually read this for you.
  19. Except for the intro paragraph which I read TWICE as "lasagna" instead of "Laguna." And i would like to respectfully suggest that that would have made for a much better show.
  20. PHEW! I don't know about you, but I found this week's issue EXHAUSTING. Definitely going to ask myself for a raise for doing this. See ya next week, kids!