A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 01.23.16 👩🏽‍🎤🦏🚆🗞

I know some of you stayed up all night last night wondering why on earth I hadn't posted this yet. I apologize. I couldn't get the photos to save. Anyone else have that problem? Today I went in and saved the list after each photo I added, proving a) successful and b) that I have way too much time on my hands.
  1. In this time of great national political strife, thank god we have Nick to focus on.
    It is one of my many dubious points of pride that I have never watched a single episode of this show. I did, however, watch every episode of Burning Love, so I feel I've gotten the gist.
  2. This looks weird, right?
  3. It's not often you see fashion inspired by skin grafts.
  4. Hilary Duff's publicist earns her paycheck for another week.
  5. It took an entire Nepalese village four weeks to construct this skirt. Now on sale at Ten Thousand Villages.
  6. No. No, they don't.
  7. Not sure it's wise for someone with a self-professed addictive personality to have a "drug dealer" anything.
  8. Oh, Jesus. I cannot STILL be the only person on earth who has no patience for Oprah.
    And this is where everyone unfollows me at the exact same moment, causing the li.st robot to short out.
  9. As opposed to their...?
  10. I swear to god she borrowed this from Shirley MacLaine.
  11. If Donald Trump really is going to be president, then the least these two could do is get together to cheer us up.
  12. If I stare at this picture long enough, I can actually see Andrew Garfield's neck getting longer.
  13. "You're amazing!" "No, you're amazing!" Ladies, allow me to settle this: you're both right.
  14. Pretty sure lovely Millie Bobby here is just pointing out the imminent nip slip.
  15. I'm still not clear if Goldie Hawn's Golden Globes appearance was a "bit" or if she had truly lost her mind. Both options are tragic.
  16. This is when I feel out of place in this world. I still cannot wrap my mind around the fact that everyone thought this dress was a good thing. It's a lace curtain over a Bali bra and granny panties, with one of Prince Philip's medals randomly stuck at the waist and bedazzled shoulder pads as sleeves. I just cannot see it.
  17. "It is the last time you will host an awards show and I won't hear another word about it," she said in an inexplicably breathy voice.
  18. This:
  19. And these mushrooms I saw at the San Francisco Ferry Building Market Place:
  20. Now THAT'S a sneeze!!
  21. My weekly mention that I adore these two.
  22. "And then I said, well he's our president now and we have to respect him. HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
  23. Clooney breaking it down for us.
    Fingers crossed, people.
  24. Healthy or not, that seems like an excessive amount of broccoli.
  25. "Okay, but if I win, you have to hand over Shelly Miscavige."
  26. Someone needs a biiiiig raise.
  27. Ooooo...I bet it includes a clump of Julianna Marguiles' hair.
    Archie is married to a tailor! Also, people are still tailors!
  28. You think she just scoops, like, a tablespoon out into her purse?
  29. Am I just now realizing that Felicity Jones and Zooey Deschanel are the same person? Why wasn't I told?
  30. Meghan Markle seems fine and all, but it must sting to know that she'll never, ever top Cressida Bonas in the name department.
    And I just now realized I want Cressida to marry a Jonas brother, for obvious hyphenate reasons.
  31. This is how you take a real stand against bigotry — by employing the phrase "very not nice words."
  32. I had to ignore five entire pages of Bachelor bullshit. The things I do for you.
  33. Are we past the point that the phrase "Ben's Big Night" involves a gallon of hard liquor, seven hours of poker and a handful of desperate starlets?
    Best quote from this article: "I don't like to take a dump in the litter box like George Clooney, that's for sure."
  34. NPH looks HAWT.
  35. I've been waiting for someone to do this for years.
  36. ON IT
  37. WHAT YEAR IS IT????
  38. For your fancier oil changes.
  39. My mom wore this to a fancy PTA fundraiser in 1982.
  40. Here is a man. His name is Charlie Weber. He is not, as I originally thought, Charlie from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Here are 25 things to know about him. Spoiler alert: nothing interesting.
  41. Is she a vampire whore attending her first Victoria's Secret show? I don't know. But she IS this week's winner of the Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery! Yayyyyy!!!!
  42. The end.