This week's issue isn't that great. I can only work with what they give me, you guys. [This list is dedicated to @sarahgorman, @dena and @NancyMiller, who were all foolish enough to like the last one.]
  1. The cover
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    "Khloe sick with worry." Who writes this? A toddler? A cave man? A cave man toddler? Also, this is what Lamar would look like with long lady-hair.
  2. NOBODY
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  3. The real tragedy here is that someone thought up the name Fameolous before me.
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  4. Yeah, that seems like the right choice.
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    If you want your kids to FUCKING HATE YOU for the rest of your life.
  5. We live in a world where Fetty Wap has his own emojis.
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    That is all.
  6. I'm genuinely stunned that Alec Baldwin wasn't in there.
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  7. This is just straight-up delightful and if you don't think so, you're obviously a monster.
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    Hey, Kristen Bell! Here's one thing you don't know about ME: we are destined to be best friends. WHY DON'T YOU CALL ME?
  8. You guys: something is growing out of Britney's crotch.
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    Having written that, I feel like maybe that's not news.
  9. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH GRANDMA?!?!"
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  10. Super important stuff to know.
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    David Beckham pokes his wife's nose. What Jason Segel ordered for breakfast. What Nicole Richie shouted. All fascinating, but I just keep going back to the nose one. What even?
  11. Dear God: if you would just please let this baby be born with its father's mustache, I won't ask another favor until at least 7 pm.
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  12. I don't know. This seems like a missed opportunity, universe.
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  13. The most important part of the Drew Barrymore divorce story is clearly this photo of Donna Martin-hitter RAY PRUITT!!!
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    Reminds me of the crucial unanswered question: How DO you talk to an angel? CALL ME, JAMIE WALTERS!
  14. At least I know in advance exactly what my next nightmare will look like.
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  15. Easier than trying to find a sad unicorn.
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  16. Christ on a cracker. Maybe I was wrong about what my nightmares would look like.
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  17. I wish to hell this review had ended after the first line and the rest of the space was just blank.
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  18. HOW WILL MY NIGHTMARES CHOOSE?!?!
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