A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU – ISSUE 04/18/16

This week's issue isn't that great. I can only work with what they give me, you guys. [This list is dedicated to @sarahgorman, @dena and @NancyMiller, who were all foolish enough to like the last one.]
  1. The cover
    "Khloe sick with worry." Who writes this? A toddler? A cave man? A cave man toddler? Also, this is what Lamar would look like with long lady-hair.
  2. NOBODY
  3. The real tragedy here is that someone thought up the name Fameolous before me.
  4. Yeah, that seems like the right choice.
    If you want your kids to FUCKING HATE YOU for the rest of your life.
  5. We live in a world where Fetty Wap has his own emojis.
    That is all.
  6. I'm genuinely stunned that Alec Baldwin wasn't in there.
  7. This is just straight-up delightful and if you don't think so, you're obviously a monster.
    Hey, Kristen Bell! Here's one thing you don't know about ME: we are destined to be best friends. WHY DON'T YOU CALL ME?
  8. You guys: something is growing out of Britney's crotch.
    Having written that, I feel like maybe that's not news.
  9. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH GRANDMA?!?!"
  10. Super important stuff to know.
    David Beckham pokes his wife's nose. What Jason Segel ordered for breakfast. What Nicole Richie shouted. All fascinating, but I just keep going back to the nose one. What even?
  11. Dear God: if you would just please let this baby be born with its father's mustache, I won't ask another favor until at least 7 pm.
  12. I don't know. This seems like a missed opportunity, universe.
  13. The most important part of the Drew Barrymore divorce story is clearly this photo of Donna Martin-hitter RAY PRUITT!!!
    Reminds me of the crucial unanswered question: How DO you talk to an angel? CALL ME, JAMIE WALTERS!
  14. At least I know in advance exactly what my next nightmare will look like.
  15. Easier than trying to find a sad unicorn.
  16. Christ on a cracker. Maybe I was wrong about what my nightmares would look like.
  17. I wish to hell this review had ended after the first line and the rest of the space was just blank.
  18. HOW WILL MY NIGHTMARES CHOOSE?!?!