A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 09.05.16 πŸ‘–πŸ‘πŸŒ°πŸš€πŸ’‘

  1. β€’
    I think if there's one thing we can all agree on it's that we all trust Josh and I see no reason why we should have to explain ourselves.
  2. β€’
    You have to understand. I come from the era of 21 Jump Street Johnny Depp...
  3. β€’
    ...so this is incredibly painful for me and, quite possibly, this week's Haunt My Nightmares image.
  4. β€’
    And by "language barrier" he means "general douchebaggery and excessive alcohol consumption."
  5. β€’
    Oh, Jessica Alba, here's what I DO know about you: you have impossibly tawny skin and honey-kissed hair and your husband's name is CASH. AS IN, MONEY!!! πŸ’°πŸ’°πŸ’°πŸ’° Why even bother reading on?
  6. β€’
    Because that's how you use the word "obviously."
  7. β€’
    You can, actually. I mean, it's insufferable but it CAN be done.
  8. β€’
    Wait. Jessica Alba's dream destination is Greece? Uh, that's my dream destination. What the hell is stopping her? It can't be money because EVEN HER HUSBAND IS NAMED CASH!!!
  9. β€’
    She's going to make a great grandma one day. And that day is tomorrow.
  10. β€’
    Here's an interesting quote from Britney Spears. Look, I'm the first to admit that I don't get religion, but I fail to see how Christ strengthens her...
  11. β€’
    Through this outfit.
  12. β€’
    Oh! Heather Locklear! What IS in your bag??? I'm so excited. I'm guessing Botox and David Spade.
  13. β€’
    "I tried the drugstore readers but I only saw poor people through them!"
  14. β€’
    To recap: an aphrodisiac breath mist named Kissaholic by Booty Parlor. Delicious?
  15. β€’
    Proving that models can literally wear bedsheets and look amazing.
  16. β€’
    Back in my day, my husband was all, "Oooo, I like the way you dial that phone. Push those numbers, baby!"
  17. β€’
    Wildly insensitive to the buttless-born.
  18. β€’
    I appreciate the gesture but I feel like she definitely doesn't need the added confusion.
  19. β€’
    Well, I'll admit I'm just dying to watch this sitcom.
  20. β€’
    You know that, at some point in every issue, someone will have to be the first nominee for this week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery (CCASD). You just never think it's going to be Zachary Quinto. 😒
  21. β€’
    My dream duo: Lionel Richie and Don Johnson. How is this not a national tour? (And Ciara's over there all, "You guys? I didn't know. I swear."
  22. β€’
    Those paying attention the last few weeks will remember that this is what we call a two-fer.
  23. β€’
    After lying low for a couple of weeks, I'm pleased to welcome back our feature "Cindy Crawford or Caitlynn Jenner?"
    You think you know the answer, but do you? DO YOU????
  24. β€’
    I really can't tell who's who here.
  25. β€’
    Oh, fuck off.
  26. β€’
    This may be a frayed denim bikini with a pot leaf embroidery patch!!! Way to take the CCASD Spotlight, way-less-famous modeling Hadid sister.
  27. β€’
    What's Gerard Butler doing cycling through the streets of London? Job search, probably.
  28. β€’
    Just enjoy this ad for cat food or kittens or something.
  29. β€’
    "There was a cake and they hiked." Why? Why would you ever ruin a good cake with subsequent hiking?
  30. β€’
    This week's reminder that I am doing the right thing by avoiding the Bachelor franchises.
  31. β€’
    Jesus Christ. Are they casting a new version of Fiddler?
  32. β€’
    Oh, Fergie! This is sublime. Everything I want it to be and more: Classic, understated, playful.
  33. β€’
    Ireland Baldwin in my Bali bodyshaper from 1996 and entirely too much denim. Girl. I think you may have just won this week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery!! It's your first time, too! πŸŽˆπŸ‘πŸΌπŸŽ‚πŸ’
  34. β€’
    See y'all next week!