A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 10.31.16 👶🏼👣🐛🕸🍶

Man. Did you miss me as much as I missed you? Kittens, now that I have eaten all the pain au chocolat in Paris and all the pancakes in Amsterdam, I have returned once again to service you. Wait. Serve you. Did I mention yet that I was just in Paris? This week's list brought to you by jet lag.
  1. •
    I found it very strange that people in Europe wanted to talk more about Trump than the Brangelina split. Perhaps it's just too universally painful to discuss.
  2. •
    Really? Is this what it's all come down to? Who wore a BELT better? Anyone who can wear a belt without their gut swallowing it, I say.*
    *I, for one, cannot.
  3. •
    I can't tell you how frightening my recent trip to Paris* was in the wake of Kim's nightmare. Would I be the next victim? Would they come for my $150 wedding ring? I have never felt so vulnerable in my life.
    *I'm worried I'm not mentioning enough the fact that I just went to Paris.
  4. •
    Um, I do like this line, though: "Kim spends time with Nori and Saint every day." Uh. You mean PARENTING?
  5. •
    Just how we all dream of being spoken about by an ex: "this girl named Ashley." What a gent!
  6. •
    Tyler Perry Presents 25 Things You Don't Know About Tyler Perry, a Tyler Perry Production starring Tyler Perry
  7. •
    Wonder how this allergy manifests. Sneezing? Hives? Torrents of screaming rage?
    Also, I was just in Paris.
  8. •
    Sometimes a tunnel is just a tunnel. Sometimes it's a metaphor for a VAGINA.
  9. •
    "Dear Tyler, I am over-taxed, under-exercised and barely functioning under a one-inch solid layer of fat. The outlook is bleak. Signed, Julia's Heart. "
  10. •
    What's in Melissa Benoist's bag? Hopefully, some sort of ID that will tell me who she is.
  11. •
    "I make lists," she declares, explaining her green Moleskine planner. If only there were somewhere else for her to make lists...
  12. •
    I have eaten these. You'd guess.
  13. •
    But are there?
  14. •
    Look. I am ALL ABOUT body positivity. But I'm also about owning your shit and you don't post a picture like this on social media if you're not hoping for just a wee bit of attention. (And this is, once again, where my feminism locks horns with my innate need to make fun of people.)
  15. •
    The sad moment right before Rod Stewart's beheading. It was time.
  16. •
    "I HAVE A TUMMYYYYYYY!!!!"
    There is NO possible logical reason for whatever he is doing here.
  17. •
    What more could you ask for: Kristen Bell, Mandy Moore and Debbie Gibson's hat from 1988.
  18. •
    Beyoncé is this week's first nominee for the Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery, after showing up in this monstrosity made of a half yard of gauze and 12 strategically placed beads.
  19. •
    You can't even see the strings they used to prop up Michael Douglas. Very tastefully done.
  20. •
    "Bonus was it has pockets!" Muddled tenses aside, I was deeply disappointed to find out Vanessa Lachey was talking about the dress and not the baby she's expecting. Because babies with pockets is a GREAT idea.
  21. •
    Grandmother's something...blah blah blah
  22. •
    I hope to god they wiped down that conveyer belt before some poor person got Gwyneth's ass print on their produce.
    But it's ORGANIC!
  23. •
    Nobody continues to know anything new, but it has all been impressively stretched out to four pages anyway.
  24. •
    Because, in a way, hasn't it saved us all?
  25. •
    Breaking news: Trump's gross.
  26. •
    #neverforget
  27. •
    Nope.
  28. •
    No reason. Just thought you should see this.
  29. •
    I have a foldable Sephora shopping bag that looks exactly like this.
  30. •
    She's just a BAD ASS.
  31. •
    Also nope.
  32. •
    Begs the question: What would @jennifergster do?
  33. •
    Come on, Pompeo. I don't even have the energy for a Golden Girls joke.
  34. •
    I shouldn't even include this, should I? She's working very, very hard to make it on my list each week. I suppose I should be flattered.
  35. •
    But this. THIS. It looks like an outfit I sewed for my Barbie using scrap fabric and IDIOCY. As much as I wanted to award this week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery to Beyoncé, I cannot see past this nonsense. Good going, Fanning girl. Strong work.
  36. •
    Until next week!