Man. Did you miss me as much as I missed you? Kittens, now that I have eaten all the pain au chocolat in Paris and all the pancakes in Amsterdam, I have returned once again to service you. Wait. Serve you. Did I mention yet that I was just in Paris? This week's list brought to you by jet lag.
  1. I found it very strange that people in Europe wanted to talk more about Trump than the Brangelina split. Perhaps it's just too universally painful to discuss.
    Static
  2. Really? Is this what it's all come down to? Who wore a BELT better? Anyone who can wear a belt without their gut swallowing it, I say.*
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    *I, for one, cannot.
  3. I can't tell you how frightening my recent trip to Paris* was in the wake of Kim's nightmare. Would I be the next victim? Would they come for my $150 wedding ring? I have never felt so vulnerable in my life.
    Static
    *I'm worried I'm not mentioning enough the fact that I just went to Paris.
  4. Um, I do like this line, though: "Kim spends time with Nori and Saint every day." Uh. You mean PARENTING?
    Static
  5. Just how we all dream of being spoken about by an ex: "this girl named Ashley." What a gent!
    Static
  6. Tyler Perry Presents 25 Things You Don't Know About Tyler Perry, a Tyler Perry Production starring Tyler Perry
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  7. Wonder how this allergy manifests. Sneezing? Hives? Torrents of screaming rage?
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    Also, I was just in Paris.
  8. Sometimes a tunnel is just a tunnel. Sometimes it's a metaphor for a VAGINA.
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  9. "Dear Tyler, I am over-taxed, under-exercised and barely functioning under a one-inch solid layer of fat. The outlook is bleak. Signed, Julia's Heart. "
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  10. What's in Melissa Benoist's bag? Hopefully, some sort of ID that will tell me who she is.
    Static
  11. "I make lists," she declares, explaining her green Moleskine planner. If only there were somewhere else for her to make lists...
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  12. I have eaten these. You'd guess.
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  13. But are there?
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  14. Static
    Look. I am ALL ABOUT body positivity. But I'm also about owning your shit and you don't post a picture like this on social media if you're not hoping for just a wee bit of attention. (And this is, once again, where my feminism locks horns with my innate need to make fun of people.)
  15. The sad moment right before Rod Stewart's beheading. It was time.
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  16. "I HAVE A TUMMYYYYYYY!!!!"
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    There is NO possible logical reason for whatever he is doing here.
  17. What more could you ask for: Kristen Bell, Mandy Moore and Debbie Gibson's hat from 1988.
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  18. Beyoncé is this week's first nominee for the Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery, after showing up in this monstrosity made of a half yard of gauze and 12 strategically placed beads.
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  19. You can't even see the strings they used to prop up Michael Douglas. Very tastefully done.
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  20. "Bonus was it has pockets!" Muddled tenses aside, I was deeply disappointed to find out Vanessa Lachey was talking about the dress and not the baby she's expecting. Because babies with pockets is a GREAT idea.
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  21. Grandmother's something...blah blah blah
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  22. I hope to god they wiped down that conveyer belt before some poor person got Gwyneth's ass print on their produce.
    Static
    But it's ORGANIC!
  23. Nobody continues to know anything new, but it has all been impressively stretched out to four pages anyway.
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  24. Because, in a way, hasn't it saved us all?
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  25. Breaking news: Trump's gross.
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  26. #neverforget
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  27. Nope.
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  28. No reason. Just thought you should see this.
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  29. I have a foldable Sephora shopping bag that looks exactly like this.
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  30. She's just a BAD ASS.
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  31. Also nope.
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  32. Begs the question: What would @jennifergster do?
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  33. Come on, Pompeo. I don't even have the energy for a Golden Girls joke.
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  34. I shouldn't even include this, should I? She's working very, very hard to make it on my list each week. I suppose I should be flattered.
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  35. But this. THIS. It looks like an outfit I sewed for my Barbie using scrap fabric and IDIOCY. As much as I wanted to award this week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery to Beyoncé, I cannot see past this nonsense. Good going, Fanning girl. Strong work.
    Static
  36. Until next week!