A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 11.21.16 🐢🍜🚡🔓

I wasn't going to do this this week. But then I thought: if I don't do this, how will the nation heal? Sorry if the caption for every item is "LIFE AS WE KNOW IT IS OVER." Forgive me if I'm off my game.
  1. Sometimes US Magazine will write the catastrophizing headlines for you.
  2. I applaud innovation in fashion. I do not applaud using bed linens for clothing. #freethesheets #abuse
    Insert offensive joke about wearing sheets becoming a soaring trend under a Trump presidency. (See? That way, I said it, but I didn't say it.)
  3. ANOTHER candidate for the Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery so early in the issue! It looks like a bear is eating Bella Hadid from the ground up. It's not an attack I'm sure I'd stop.
  4. First bed sheets and now sails? THIS is our national nightmare!
  5. Oh, for GOD'S sake! Now they've come for our doilies!!!
    Our urine-soaked doilies, to be more specific.
  6. I'm just getting depressed at this point.
    I mean, depresseder.
  7. Julianne Hough, proving that she really doesn't know how analogies work.
  8. I have never in my life been "gently" furious. BECAUSE THAT IS NOT A THING.
  9. Slick your hair back and wiggle into a sparkly dress the size of a napkin? I'm just spitballing here.
  10. JUST. RETIRE.
    I would nominate this as this week's Haunt My Nightmare image, but it would have to get in line behind a lot of other shit I've seen this week.
  11. Many times, I have claimed to have dressed as myself for Halloween. Never have I forced five other people to follow suit.
  12. Too soon.😭😭😭
  13. WHO DOES THIS????
  14. A true professional goes on with the show despite her dress being eaten by wolves on the way to the arena.
    There are an awful lot of celebrities getting attacked by wildlife in this issue. Is that one of the signs of the apocalypse?
  15. DOLLY!
  16. I genuinely don't know why the very notion of Josh Brolin riding a bike is so funny to me, but it is.
    And I also feel like I've made that comment before...
  17. It's embarrassing when Natalie Portman wears your favorite shirt from sixth-grade shirt as maternity wear.
  18. Rrrrrreally scraping the bottom of the "just like us" barrel.
  19. A lady from an old reality show married a tattooed man bun, in case you care.
  20. A less mature person would note that the placement of the yellow star looks like a comic book fart.
  21. What's in the purse of Canadian actress Italia Ricci? PROBABLY DEPORTATION PAPERS.
    Sorry. I guess I'm not healing as well as I thought.
  22. No idea this was a thing.
  23. I've never seen Designated Survivor, but I'm starting to like this chick. I'll miss her when she's gone.
  24. Her next boyfriend will be 58.
    Not that there's anything wrong with that.
  25. Now changed to just "Keep Walking."
    Location of Brownsville is meant to be ironic.
  26. This asshole.
  27. I'm not a boxing fan, but I'd probably pay to see this.
  28. I'll worry about her when she stops contouring.
  29. THIS asshole.
  30. BECAUSE SHE'S TERRIFYING.
  31. Ugh.
  32. Brie Larson, ready for her guest spot on The Love Boat.
  33. Speaking of which: kids, there was a time in prime time TV when THIS GUY was considered a lady magnet.
    I almost wrote "lady killer," but then I was afraid you might think, "What's she on about? He totally looks like a serial killer."
  34. When an outfit causes me to actually say, aloud, "Christ on a Cracker!" it's pretty much a shoe-in. Congratulations, blah blah blah.
  35. As much as I like Billy Eichner, I probably enjoyed this list 100% more because he wasn't yelling it at me.
  36. Too soon?
  37. They do say to read widely.
  38. Not even a little?
  39. Well, that took everything I had to give. I'm exhausted. I'm going to take a six-hour bath. Someone be a dear and fetch my Epsom salts and bubble bath.
  40. Seriously, though — thanks to everyone in li.st for making a tough week a little less so. You guys are tops. 💖