A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 06.20.16

  1. I think they accidentally ran a cover from 2008?
  2. Theron's look goes from "family picnic" to "I'll kick your ass" really quickly, no?
  3. I do not think the Us Weekly writers know what shocking means, poor things.
  4. And John Snow confuses "sexism" with "equality."
    Rest assured, my liege, I don't EVER think of you as a "set of looks." You got me on the head of hair thing, though.
  5. As someone who is always doing what babies tell me to, this seems perfectly sane to me.
    (It should be noted that I am not a mother. These are just random babies I see around town.)
  6. OH, MY GOD! WHAT IS IN JENNIFER BEALS' BAG? IS IT A CHAIR WITH A CHORD FROM THE CEILING THAT MAKES A BUCKET OF WATER RAIN DOWN UPON YOU?!?!
    Sadly, it is not. There isn't even a sweatshirt with the collar cut out in there. It's just a collection of disappointingly average crap. TRY HARDER, JENNIFER BEALS!
  7. Frankly, I hardly know anything about Nick Jonas and it already feels like too much.
  8. This seems like an issue rife with misunderstood vocabulary. One watermelon does not a patch make, good sir!
  9. Oooooooo. Sick burn.
  10. Damon ups Affleck's likability by about 4,000% percent. He should really consider carrying him around in his pocket at all times.
  11. Worst. Porno. EVER.
    This week's "Haunt my nightmare" image.
  12. There's so much that's creepy about this I don't even know where to start. Wait, yes I do. Let's start with your dog literally salivating over the younger, waxier version of yourself and go from there.
  13. I mean...I just....
  14. Now THIS is the power couple our country needs.
  15. This saddens me to no end. Judy Greer is a goddess and should be worshipped at all times. And yet she's reduced to shilling for Lactaid. DO BETTER, AMERICA!
  16. A very real contender for this week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumfuckery. Although it feels a little like, for Mariah, this is just her average Tuesday look, you know? She's not even trying.
  17. And then there's this. Looks like a resourceful someone made an outfit out of her prom's "under the sea" decor!
  18. No good can come of this.
  19. This whole article and not one mention of the "Bobby Brown." [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Bobby%20Brown&defid=2699815]. Journalism is dead.
  20. Wait. I spoke too soon. This more than makes up for it.
  21. And this. Oh, the old brick-of-coke-in-your-mom's-freezer bit!
  22. I definitely need to combine more "booty dropping" and "being real with myself." And not just while working out, either.
  23. Did I ever tell you that I had an advice column once? I was even considered briefly to replace Ann Landers. True story. Anyhow, I disconcur with Emily Post's wedding advice here. If you're a guest and have an allergy, shut your pie hole and don't eat anything suspect. And try not to die at the wedding. VERY bad form to steal the bride's thunder.
  24. OH MY GOD! LI.ST MAKES US WEEKLY! IT'S THE INTERSECTION OF THE TWO BEST THINGS IN MY LIFE! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! ❤️❤️💯🙌🏻
    This was so legitimately exciting to me that I now feel I need to take a long, hard look at my life.
  25. I have never seen leather mom jeans before.
    No idea who these people are, but putting them in my back pocket for the CCASD.
  26. Thank god for January Jones, this week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumfuckery winner!!!
    Your hard work has paid off!
  27. Wait. Scratch that. We have an upset. This is some Nellie-Olsen-Goes-Clubbing shit right here. Pry that award out of January's limp hands, Lily Allen!!!
  28. See y'all next week!