A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 06.06.16

  1. Oh, good. Another shitty celebrity making me feel lousy about my body.
  2. This reminds me I need to buy some more paper clips.
  3. Who wore it best? How about who wore it first? I'm guessing Laura Ingalls.
  4. I hope to god this baby has Pete Campbell's hairline.
  5. I read the quote on the right three times thinking she meant fans, as in the people who inexplicably love her music. I'm still not sure that isn't what she meant.
    Also, I FEEL you on the karaoke problem, Mariah. SAMESIES.
  6. I have a similar rule. It's that I have to wear pants when leaving the house. Same general principle.
  7. Sorry. I just seriously can't get enough of these quotes. It's like reading my own thoughts.
  8. I will spend the rest of my life learning how to pronounce Emayatzy Corinealdi.
    There is absolutely nothing interesting in this woman's purse. Which, I guess, leaves me more time to work on her name.
  9. Oh, this just seems like a colossally bad idea.
    Two of his items involve getting drunk and another is about beer. CELEBRITY INTERVENTION!!!! CALL PAULA!!! (I would pay cash money to see that.)
  10. Hmmm...maybe a double intervention?
    I'd probably drink too if Ross was my dad.
  11. Yeah, THAT was the problem.
  12. As one does.
  13. Welp, we have our first contender for this week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery.
    Stay klassy, Kourtney!
  14. Introducing a new weekly feature: Haunting my Nightmares.
  15. Partynextdoor is unquestionably the best rap name ever. I am immediately changing my name to Rerunsonthecouch.
  16. She calls her new look "mortuary disco."
  17. One stiff breeze and she's showing front bum.
  18. The fact that this does not begin with "Get yourself a good hacksaw" is deeply disappointing.
  19. And then he found out it was "Harold."
  20. "No, let's try this one more time: IM-MO-BILE," doctors to Scott Eastwood's stunt double.
  21. Nothing snarky to say. Just behold the glory of this amazing woman.
    Okay, you can move on now. Thank you for your time.
  22. Look, I barely know who these women are but I know enough to find this deeply off-putting.
  23. I don't know, guys. Is this worse than Kourtney's?
  24. Are these?
  25. Will this week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery be a 700-way tie?
  26. Yes. Yes, it will.