BEST THINGS FOR SALE IN THE ARIZONA WHITE SHEET, TRI-STATE EDITION, WEEK OF MARCH 22

I remain unconvinced that the name of this "paper" is not racist.
  1. Elevated toilet seat. $60
    This is a no-brained. Is it a little pricy? Sure. But it's ELEVATED.
  2. Body armor. $300
    This is what knights wear, right?
  3. Two cowboy hats signed by George Strait $75 EACH.
    I barely know who George Strait is but this seems like a straight-up bargain.
  4. Star Trek Barbie and Ken. $25 each.
    Surely these are worth MILLIONS!
  5. 100 license plates. $4 each.
    This seems way cheaper than paying for a license plate the traditional way. Also: flexibility.
  6. Halter top. $30
    I know what you're thinking: 30 clams seems pretty steep for a used halter top. But, you guys, it's SUEDE.
  7. Bumper car. $10,000
    Don't you kind of need at least two of these?
  8. Holster, Uncle Mikes
    Wonder what Uncle Mike has to say about this? Seller: Aunt Frida.
  9. 3 step spiral staircase. $600
    Wait. What? How? How can three steps even be a spiral? (Also, $600? That's $200 PER STEP!!)
  10. Saquaro Cactus. $800
    "Buyer removes off property." In other words, you're really just paying to do this guy's yard work.
  11. A dozen eggs. No price listed.
    "Purchasing a dozen eggs offers nearly unlimited preparation possibilities." Um, doesn't it offer exactly twelve preparation possibilities? Max?
  12. Police badge. $150
    What could go wrong?