FOUR TOTALLY REASONABLE CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUT MY LIFE 🏀

My official first - and potentially last - List App March Madness entry. Feel free to like it. A lot. Feel free to relist it. (Which autocorrect changed to "resist it." Do NOT resist it.) @aus10
  1. 1.
    A hacker is moving the letters on the iPhone keyboard just a smidge every few days so that somehow my thumb typing gets worse every day.
  2. 2.
    The government wants me be fat. I offer no particulars on this one, but I can't think of any other reasonable explanation for why I am.
  3. 3.
    The universe seats me in front of people who will talk throughout the movie EVERY SINGLE TIME to teach me patience or some other shit. Clearly IT'S WORKING, UNIVERSE.
  4. 4.
    The ghosts of my dead cats enter the house at night and sprinkle just enough of their hair around so that I will never be completely free of it.