HOW TO GET SOBER IF YOU'RE A TV CHARACTER

It's so much better than in real life.
  1. Bottom out
    Make it big. Murder/suicide attempts are good ways to bottom out with a bang. Car crash, maybe? With *almost* dire consequences?
  2. Go to rehab
    This is best for teen shows and soap operas. Rehab can be either a disgusting, rat-infested former mental hospital or a shiny, sunny Malibu mansion with ocean views and a zen garden. There is no middle ground. But don't worry. You'll only be there for a few minutes.
  3. Attend an AA meeting
    One. Maybe two. Best to go to one with no rules or structure so people just blather on or applaud at weird times or just have conversations during the meeting.
  4. Get a hot sponsor of the opposite sex
    Because no one advises you against that CONSTANTLY. Nothing can go wrong there.
  5. TA DA! You're sober!
    Until sweeps week, or they wanna kill off your character.