This is just a draft. I'll polish it before the big day.
  1. First, I'd like to thank my formidable opponent @chriscady from whom I have learned so much. And thanks to @aus10 for organizing this event. I cannot express how honored I am simply to have been competing amongst such great, original minds. It is truly humbling.
  2. I'd also like to thank all the people who voted for my list, and all those who liked it some. But just not ENOUGH, evidently.
  3. Next, I'd like to thank my husband. Although, frankly, I don't know why. I'm not sure he even read my list, let alone liked or relisted it. I may rethink my marriage. Thank you for that too, List App.
  4. I probably should thank my family but I won't. They've given me nothing but grief and frankly I'm still holding a grudge about the prime rib issue last Christmas. In fact, Jonathan, I hope you're ashamed of yourself.
  5. I'd like to thank Leo because I understand he won something recently after a long time of not winning stuff and that's supposed to be inspirational?
  6. I'd like to thank my third grade teacher Mrs. Swanson-McNally, for totally undermining my confidence as a child, from which I have never recovered. This is how kids learn!
  7. I'd like to thank society for making me feel bad about my body/hair/personality. Fortunately, I've been able to face that adversity and go on to accomplish not much at all.
  8. And now a word of inspiration to all of you out there with a dream, a sparkling glimpse of a golden future. Two words, really: settle down. There's nothing wrong with being average. Deeply, irredeemably average.