Congratulations! You've finally decided to make something of yourself — and you're gonna do it by creating your own true crime show on Investigation Discovery. It's the best way, really, and making that decision was the hardest part. Just follow these easy steps and you'll be a guaranteed success!
  1. Pick your focus — unsolved murder, women gone bad, inter-family murder — and choose a crime. This is the easy part! Just use Google. There's loads of them out there. We, as a society, are NO CLOSER to stopping wreaking havoc on one another! (Try to find one involving white victims; people enjoy those much more.)
  2. Music is everything. You want something haunting. Maybe some spooky drums or dramatic piano. Made your choice? Now just play it on a perpetual loop.
  3. Now it's time to write your script. You've never written anything before? No worries! You'll just want to use some really colorful prose involving a LOT of alliteration. Examples: "tainted text," "lethal letter," "vivacious vixen, "botched burglary." Adverbs and adjectives are your friends!
  4. Also, be sure to use a lot of clichés. I mean A LOT. Like, "this Georgia peach meets a real bad apple," "She was bright as the New Mexico sun, but a storm was brewing," or "it's more than the winter chill that has residents shivering." When you think you're done, go back and add in a couple more. This is excellent writing. Use your imagination!
  5. If the victim is female, be sure to refer to her good looks often. If you can do this AND use alliteration, you're a frickin' genius: "pretty pupil," "lovely landowner," etc.
  6. Don't forget your red herrings! A maintenance man, homeless person and ex- or current boyfriend will do nicely.
  7. Time to start gathering footage. Get at least one shot of a corpulent detective staring into the camera, shot from below. Try to get him to cross his arms. He's powerful! ("But what if it's a woman?" you ask. Don't worry. It isn't.) In fact, pretty much just see if the guy below's available.
  8. Next, record at least one interview with a heavily made-up woman whose relationship with the victim was tenuous at best.
  9. Really wanna draw in your viewers? Get an edgy shot of the actor playing your perp looking evilly into the evil camera. (This mostly just means squinting.)
  10. Track down and interview a local reporter for whom this is their career highlight. Let them talk as though they were somehow the world's foremost crime expert.
  11. Now all you have to do is name your show. Sadly, the following names are taken: American Monster, Beauty Queen Murders, Did He Do It?, Fatal Vows, Happily Never After, I Am Homicide, I'd Kill For You, Killer Clergy, Murder U, Passport to Murder, Poisoned Passions, Sex Sent Me to the Slammer, Swamp Murders, Wicked Attraction & Wives with Knives.