The Squirrel: A True Story About Perspective

  1. Yesterday, I woke up to an insistent little rustling just outside my window.
  2. An adorable grey squirrel had built an adorable nest on the little ledge where my air conditioner should be!
  3. How sweet! It's like having a totally low maintenance pet, conveniently located right next to my thinking corner.
    And I can live without ac this year...
  4. What does it mean? Some kind of Sopranos-esque call to take stock, start to examine my life?
  5. Thing is, if I examine my life any deeper, it'll be considered fracking.
    And I'll be banned from New York State.
  6. So I decided it was a gift. I'd spent all last summer watching the squirrels nest in the tree outside my bathroom!
    Better than magazines.
  7. I welcomed my new furry friend, even named it Sam.
    Because it's gender neutral, obviously.
  8. We even had a chat.
    Brief and one-sided. Just the way I like them.
  9. This morning I woke up feeling great.
  10. Marveled at the sunlight, said hello to Sam. Headed to the bathroom, did my thing, THEN looked back to see...
    Something I definitely hadn't put there.
  11. Dead rat. Floating in the toilet.
    That's right; I started my day by peeing on a dead rat. That's a tough thing to bounce back from.
  12. I'm 90% sure it was staring back at me.
  13. And... Here's the kicker... The lid had been DOWN all night.
  14. I ask you to take a moment to ponder the ramifications of this.
  15. At some point last night, there was a live rat who had crawled through a sewage pipe, in my toilet bowl.
    Just waiting.
  16. So this is apparently a thing that happens. I listened to a This American Life about it while fishing a dead rat from my toilet bowl.
    Before my drinking my coffee.
  17. I don't want Sam anymore.
    I just want to be left alone. Forever.
  18. Thank you for reading.
    And I'm sorry.