Things I Learned From My Divorce

What's a little overshare among strangers?
  1. 1.
    Ending a marriage feels exactly like killing Old Yeller. Except instead of a shotgun, you have to use your bare hands, and it takes two years.
  2. 2.
    Epic meltdowns on public transportation are one of the true privileges of living in a big city. No one will bother you, they'll be too afraid you'll shank them.
  3. 3.
    It is possible to miss a tumor.
  4. 4.
    Being a wanton is even more delicious than eating a wonton (that one goes out to you, @gabimoskowitz )
  5. 5.
    Divorce lawyers, while a necessary evil, are not necessarily evil.
  6. 6.
    Dating after marriage is best when appreciated as a bonus round.
  7. 7.
    I'm extremely resilient. That's a great thing to know about yourself, but a shitty thing to find out.
  8. 8.
    It is possible to have a broken heart and wild amounts of fun at the same time.
  9. 9.
    Pleasure heals.
  10. 10.
    Often the toughest thing to forgive yourself for, is all the forgiving you've done.
  11. 11.
    While a) it's not totally advisable to refer to your vagina as the "Cave of Forgotten Dreams" in your best melancholy Werner Herzog voice on a first date; b) there is very little you can do to dissuade a dude from wanting to have sex with you.
  12. 12.
    Some days it's the good memories that bring you to your knees.
  13. 13.
    Never underestimate the power of a roast chicken.
  14. 14.
    Nothing is more important than being a good friend.
  15. 15.
    Grooming standards are totally generational. Last week, a millennial coworker of mine referred to pubic hair as "something moms have."
  16. 16.
    "I only love you when you're crying" should be grounds for instantaneous and automatic legal separation. Also, it would be a great title for a Cure album.
  17. 17.
    Clinging is the exact opposite of living.
  18. 18.
    The mattress department at Macy's Herald Square is perhaps the world's greatest flirting arena.
  19. 19.
    When all else fails: baklava in the bathtub.