Alternative Title: Reasons Why I Hate Cake
  1. Ugh, where do I begin?
  2. It's SO overrated.
  3. I feel ashamed for even making a list about cake because then I am giving it more attention than I think it deserves.
  4. But I am really in a "turn the world upside-down" kind of mood, so here I go...
  5. First of all, the texture
  6. Why do people want to eat what is basically a crumbly sponge?
  7. I hate the feeling of putting food in your mouth, biting down on it, and then feeling hundreds of sickly sweet air pockets releasing themselves while the sponginess also soaks up all of my perfectly good saliva, which I need in order to properly chew and swallow.
  8. And no matter how daintily you try to eat cake, you WILL get sticky stupid crumbs stuck all over your lips, and some of those crumbs WILL find their way down your shirt and into the cup of your bra (if you are wearing one) where they will fester for hours until you undress.
  9. Let's talk about the texture of frosting too.
  10. It's like, just goo.
  11. And it's kind of a solid sometimes, so do you chew it? But it's also kind of a liquid, so sometimes it oozes into the cake's stupid sponge holes.
  12. And sometimes it's gritty, and sometimes it's oily nasty, and sometimes it's fluffy too and then that disgusting air pocket releasing thing happens in your mouth again.
  13. Okay, now I want to talk about the taste.
  14. It's never that good.
  15. I don't know about you, but it is very hard for my tongue to dissect any flavor from sponge.
  16. It's just disappointing.
  17. And frosting is so sweet that it hurts.
  18. By the way, I really hate that frosting turns your whole mouth a completely different color. Any recent teeth whitening efforts are ruined.
  19. And have you ever tried making a cake on your own?
  20. Sure, mixing ingredients together is easy.
  21. But then when the batter is baking, the top of the cake gets all round.
  22. So, do you slice it off, resulting in an even crumbier cake or do you just leave it like that, making your cake look like an awkward turtle?
  23. In conclusion, cake isn't worth it unless you're Bruce Bogtrotter from Matilda trying to stick it to the Trunchbull.
  24. Now here are some satisfying gifs that represent the only thing I'd ever like to do to cake:
  25. Static
  26. Static
  27. Static
  28. Static
  29. Glad I got that off my chest
  30. By the way, I hate these cookies too