How to (but Don't) Add "Expert Flyer" to Your Resume

TSA regulations change. some things don't ✈️
  1. don't complain, loudly, or at all
    yes, the line is long. yes, it is moving slowly. yes, you have someplace to be. you know who else has somewhere to be? everyone. that's literally the only reason we're at an airport 😡
  2. don't wear rhinestone jeans
    1 ever 2 when going through security. you'll set off the alarm and not for something cool like forgetting a lighter/wine key/machete in your pocket. because of rhinestones on your ass 💎👖
  3. don't follow the wrong man-in-trench-coat onto the wrong plane
    looking at you Macaulay Culkin
  4. don't make eye contact
    no one likes the middle seat-- no one even likes sitting next to a middle seat. be polite once the plane takes off, but do not make eye contact, do not smile, and do not engage in any way until everyone is seated and you've got room to exhale (and if all else fails, cough a lot 😷)
  5. do be polite-- and then be done
    once you've got that liberating open seat between you and your fellow traveler, smile. be polite. ask business or pleasure? and then notice that they're reading a book or doing a crossword or sleeping and LEAVE THEM ALONE 🙅🏼
  6. do fly southwest
    drink coupons, DIY seating, tunameltsmyheart on the cover of this month's magazine, nice people, etc. etc. 🐺
  7. do bring your own snacks
    and an empty water bottle. fill it up once you've passed security and boom 💥 you just saved $6
  8. do dress for both departure and arrival cities
    this is tricky when leaving PHX in the summer time to go... well, anywhere, but throw a jacket in your carry on and try not to melt on your way