1. Stealthier drugs.
    Better, less detectable shit that we all secretly want them on because holy shit did you see how fast that motherfucker swam that relay? Go national sports team!
  2. Great asses.
    Way better than 4 years ago and fuck the Winter Olympics cos you can't see shit.
  3. Reliable condoms.
    All these athletes are fucking the shit out of each other cos lez be real: the anxiety round here? YOWZA. Gold medal, everyday. Like clockwork. Depression took Silver and Anger got that bronze. This time, though—to get back to rubbers—we're talking way less breakage cos even though we think we want these excellent creatures to procreate, they got SHIT TO DO RIGHT NOW. And the syphilis shit is like everywhere this year, so..... Let's be safe!
  4. New sports for 2016: Rugby and Golf.
    Rugby: HOT. Golf: NOT. Take it or leave it.