Best movie ever.
  1. Don't throw me down, Clark.
    -Aunt Bethany
  2. Worse? How could it get any worse? Look around you, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell!"
    - Clark W. Griswold
  3. It's a non-nutritive cereal varnish. It's semi-permanent but it's non-osmotic. I like it!
    - Clark
  4. Art: The little lights aren't twinkling.// Clark: I know, Art, and thanks for noticing.
  5. I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.
  6. Uncle Lewis: Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, go into the living room and get my stogie. // Clark: Can I get you anything else Uncle Lewis? Drive you out into the middle of the desert, leave you for dead?
  7. Oh boy, look at the time. I need to feed the hogs, do the dishes, I've still got some homework to do...
  8. Todd: SOMETHING had to come through the window. SOMETHING had to break the stereo. // Margo: And why is the carpet all wet, TODD? // Todd: I don't KNOW, Margo.
  9. You serious, Clark?
  10. You run along and fetch the kids' things, and don't forget the rubber sheets and the gerbils.
    Eddie, to Catherine
  11. That there's an RV. But don't you go falling in love with it now, 'cause we're taking it with us when we leave here next month.
    Eddie to Clark
  12. Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous because Christmas is comin'. Him's nervous 'cause he don't know if we're gettin' nothin'.
    Ruby Sue
  13. Ruby Sue: shit and bricks // Clark: you shouldn't say that. // Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shit and rocks.
  14. I should say it? I should say hello everybody? Hello, everybody!
    Aunt Bethany
  15. Clark (observing cat food on the jello mold): Aunt Bethany, does your cat by any chance like jello?// Eddie: I don't know about the cat, but I sure am enjoying it! You wanna load me up with some more there, Clark? It is goo-ooood!
  16. You couldn't hear a dump truck drive through a nitroglycerine plant!
    Uncle Lewis
  17. It's lime!
  18. Eddie: You surprised? // Clark: if I woke up tomorrow morning with my head seen to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.
  19. Hallelujah, holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?
  20. He was a huge, beastly, bulging man. He was wearing a blue leisure suit. The plates were from Kansas.
    Frank Shirley's wife
  21. Audrey: he worked really hard, grandpa. // Art: so do washing machines.
  22. Lewis: They want you to say grace. // Bethany: Grace? She passed away 30 years ago. // Lewis: THE BLES-SING!
  23. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your own ass. Happy Hanukkah.
  24. (Picks up phone): Get me somebody. Anybody! And get me someone while I'm waiting!
    Frank Shirley
  25. This is our family's first kidnapping.
  26. Clark: "Where's Eddie? He usually eats these damn things." // Catherine: "oh, not anymore, Clark. He read squirrels are high in cholesterol."
  27. Little full. Lot of sap.
  28. Audrey: I can't feel my legs. // Ellen: Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.
  29. She'll see it later, her eyelids are frozen.
    Ellen to Clark after he asks Audrey what she thinks of the tree
  30. Over here is just nothin'. But under my part line, see? If anything happens there, my hair just ain't gonna look right.
  31. Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailing down no hill with nothin' between my head and the ground but a piece of government plastic. // Clark: do you really think it matters, Eddie?
  32. Clark: 'tis the season to be merry! // Mary: well, that's my name! // Clark: no shit!
  33. Todd: what are you going to do with a tree that big? // Clark: bend over and I'll show you! // Todd: you've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that, Griswold! // Clark: I wasn't talking to YOU! // (Todd and Margo exchange a look)
  34. Doris to Rocky: have you got a kiss for me? // Eddie: you better take a rain check. He's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet.
  35. Doris: and ruby sue... Oh! Her eyes aren't crossed anymore! // Eddie: falls in a well, eyes go crossed. Gets kicked by a mule and they go uncrossed. I don't know!
  36. Eddie: I got the girl in the clinic gettin' cured off the wild turkey, and the older boy, bless his heart, is preparing for his career. // Clark: college? // Eddie: carnival.
  37. Last summer he was a pixie dust spreader on the tilt-a-whirl. He figures by next year he'll be guessing people's weights or barkin' for the yak lady. You ever see her? Ugly as sin. But a sweet gal, and a hell of a good cook.
  38. Ellen: Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that. Aunt Bethany: Oh dear, did I break wind.
    Suggested by @rkitick