WAYS I KNOW IM 170 YEARS OLD

  1. I watch Tv with the captions on
  2. I can hear almost nothing of what people are saying to me
  3. And I find I prefer it that way
  4. First question about any possible nighttime plan: how loud will it be?
  5. Second question: how crowded will it be?
  6. If answer to either of those questions is anything other than "not at all" I'm a pass
  7. Genuinely believe that people being in their 20s is due to moral character deficiency
  8. Dream jobs: army general, pope, lounge singer
  9. # of times a day I say "in my day you had to actually pick up the phone and call someone": 37
  10. # of times a day i say: "In my day you had to actually write a letter and put a stamp on it": 82
  11. I don't actually know how old I am
    I mean I know within a three year range. Obviously I could do the math but there's no good answer that will come out of that equation anymore so I don't
  12. Everything in the radio literally does sound like noise and it's incomprehensible that people listen to any of it
  13. Angry at most of the restaurants and stores in Los Angeles on behalf of the things that used to be where they are now