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Someone needs to put the 2016 NFL draft in a cab, because it’s had enough. After another monster trade saw the Eagles move up to no. 2 and put a flamethrower to the top 10, we sift through the ashes to identify the winners and losers from the Philly-Cleveland deal. —Robert Mays
- •Winner: Sashi BrownThanks to this haul, 2017 will be the fourth draft in six years in which Cleveland has two first-round picks. That’s insane. Luck, chance, or a benevolent god should have produced a superstar with that many chances, but hasn’t. Now new executive VP of football operations Brown has an extra dice roll (or three) to get it right.
- •Winner: Paxton LynchThis is the best thing that’s happened to Lynch since Robert Downey Jr. made Lynch’s facial-hair choices acceptable. With the Rams and Eagles trading up to take Jared Goff and Carson Wentz in some order, Lynch becomes the best available option for other teams desperate for a quarterback. He could be this year’s Ryan Tannehill.
- •Winner: The ChargersSan Diego is more or less on the clock now, and every player other than Goff or Wentz is available. Laremy Tunsil, Jalen Ramsey, whoever! Go nuts! GM Tom Telesco has to be sitting back and laughing as the rest of the draft falls all over itself.
As her 4/20 gift to the masses, Rihanna just dropped a Harmony Korine–directed video for “Needed Me.” It’s Rihanna in her natural element — looking boss surrounded by hot women, piles of money, and butts. It’s basically ‘Spring Breakers’ with Rihanna in the Franco role, so here's what the Ringer staff wants to see in the inevitable sequel:
- 1.A cameo featuring Werner Herzog as Rihanna’s father.
- 2.Trash humping. Way more trash humping.
- 3.A slow-motion, sunset-drenched semiautomatic ballet around a white baby grand.
Yesterday, a fan sued Kanye because fans were originally required to subscribe to Tidal to hear his new album. And though we are not lawyers, we think the plaintiff should also include these addendums.—Lindsay Zoladz
- •Rhyming “GoPro” with “go pro”
- •Clearly designing the half-assed 'Pablo' merch the night before it went on sale
- •Really thought we’d have that video game about Donda going to heaven by now
Internet April Fools' Day jokes fall flatter and flatter every year, as the Internet of Things becomes the Internet of Dumb Things. Case in point, this list of April Fools’ Day tech jokes mixed with honest-to-god actual products that were/are/someday hope(d) to be available for purchase. What tech bubble, right?!?!?
- 1.Samsung Galaxy BLADE Edge: A smart knife with a smartphone built into it.
- 2.Tanny: A smart pillow that tells you when to turn over while tanning so you don’t burn.
- 3.Selfie shoes: Shoes that include a slot for your phone so you can lift your leg to take a selfie.