Things I've Realized Since Mom Was Diagnosed With Leukemia On Tuesday 2/14:

Mostly...I suck at life crisis
  1. β€’
    And when I suck at life crisis, I have friends who don't suck
  2. β€’
    I have raised 2 beautiful well adjusted children
    + a couple of step kids that love me... which is such a bonus, because they don't have to love me but they do by choice
  3. β€’
    Ex's can still love their ex Mother in Law
  4. β€’
    I was never a fan of FaceTime but I am it's biggest fan now
  5. β€’
    You really can cry in your sleep
  6. β€’
    You can't eat & cry at the same time
  7. β€’
    It's possible that I am crying too much
  8. β€’
    I don't want to do this
  9. β€’
    My mom is stronger than me but I keep wishing I could take her place
  10. β€’
    I feel better when I'm closer to her but moving to Austin & living in the hospital isn't really an option right now so I need to look into a yoga class. I promised her I would. Today, I'll just drink margaritas!
  11. β€’
    Waking up & feeling like you're about to take another ride on that roller coaster that you HATE is the worst way to wake up
  12. β€’
    Music usually helps me
    Mostly music just hurts , right now
  13. β€’
    This is HER, beautiful her
  14. β€’
    This is US (5 generations)
  15. β€’
    I don't want to let that go
  16. β€’
    My little sister is pretty good at life even though she is terrible at her lesbian relationships
  17. β€’
    Hangovers don't help heartache
    This is not a new development
  18. β€’
    It's hard to pray when you are this sad
    I think He knows what I'm trying to say, but I get frustrated when I can't get through a single prayer without racing thoughts flying through my crazy brain
  19. β€’
    Something to look forward to...finally
    August 6th @john T H A N K Y O U
  20. β€’
    She is my sunshine. She makes me happy when skies are gray...Kenedi Raelyn
  21. β€’
    Evidently Mom & Ellen grew up in the same neighborhood, Airline Park. Cool kids come out of Metairie, La.
  22. β€’
    Well, it's been 10 days. I haven't cried today.
  23. β€’
    And today music sounds good again
  24. β€’
    It's nice to have that person that allows you to spin, and then when you slide back into HOME, they are there, with tacos & a hug.
    He's the best
  25. β€’
    Having to work, when you are working through things, is pretty fucking challenging...even when you've done the same work for 20+ years!
  26. β€’
    I'm NOT Ticketmaster savvy 😒
  27. β€’
    Damn, I miss New Orleans today. Everywhere else it's just Tuesday. I miss my Mom even more.
    Happy Mardi Gras
  28. β€’
    Cabo is calling. Cabo misses me. I miss Cabo too.
  29. β€’
    I used to get a lot of things done on the weekends: my hair, laundry, manicures, yard work, groceries, sleep, clean toilets, watch Dateline... I haven't done any of these things in almost a month now. I don't really miss doing them all , but it's starting to show. So, when friends ask how they can help me, I'm beginning wonder...
    Are these things that people help with when your Mom has Cancer & you have to go to Austin every weekend?
  30. β€’
    Good genes. We have them. Heard it my whole life. Blessing or curse?!?!
    It's all so unbelievable how one cell mutation creates this monster & then another allows it to be resistant to the chemo. Sometimes I wish I understood it better, sometimes I'm glad I don't.
  31. β€’
    The last couple of nights have been bad for her, the hardest of all so far. The thought of her being in that hospital alone, with chills & fever, and scared haunts me every hour of the night. I ache for Friday so I can head to Austin but today she says she's not sure she wants me to come.
    I know it's because she is trying to protect me. She doesn't want me to see her "sick". I just don't want to miss another day...
  32. β€’
    I realized today; I'm at a point in my life where I've never been so sure about who I am. I've also never felt so lost.
    I'm not sure how this feels either
  33. β€’
    Meditation really does help. I can live with all of my questions. I don't need all of the answers, at least not right now.
  34. β€’
    Mom was released from the hospital this week. She is so happy to be home. She will come to Houston next week for her evaluation at MD Anderson and we will all be tested to see if any of us are a match to donate bone marrow.
    All she wanted to do was make a roast & wake up in her own bed with Karl. Wonderful, steady, Karl. At least for these few days our world has spun & our hearts have beat & our minds have raced just a little slower. For 40 days I rode that crazy train and although the cancer hasn't left, I know my Mom is HOME. She is happy. πŸ’•
  35. β€’
    Today starts the new chapter. Mom is being evaluated at MD Anderson for a BMT. Her only message to me today was " this is exhausting, but I know it will be worth it". She is so positive all the time, she's just amazing ... all the time!
  36. β€’
    We hugged today. I hugged my Mom. She hugged me. No gloves. No masks. No flailing arms in the air pretending...A mother & a daughter embraced for the first time in months.
    My wish is to always remember how great that felt & to always hold my loved ones a little tighter & a little longer because you just never know when or if some bullshit like this is going to take away your hugs! πŸ€—
  37. β€’
    Wigs are wonderful
    They can make you forget your Mom has cancer. If only for one night!
  38. β€’
    Prayer & meditation ( no they aren't the same thing ) have probably saved my life ... or at least added years to it...over the last 5 months. I actually feel like a new person. Positive thoughts can change the world.
  39. β€’
    Maybe I am Ticketmaster savvy after all! I saw yesterday where seats for the Mayer concert on Aug 6th, just like mine, were put up for resale for almost $9,000/ ticket! WTH?
    Not that I'd ever consider selling mine, but seriously, did I really end up with $18,000 concert tickets by accident? AND this doesn't include the small fortune I paid for Morgan & Kory's 2 tickets ... I could have paid for their wedding in September with all this (potential) concert cash! πŸ™„ wow
  40. β€’
    Mom was supposed to have been with me last night, at the concert 😒
    But when life gives you lemons , or Leukemia , and you are +31 days post transplant crowds aren't your thing. FaceTime didn't work in the "sweat lodge" so I recorded her favorite song (Gravity) and sent it to her πŸ’•
  41. β€’
    @john πŸ’•thank you for always keeping us where the light is!
  42. β€’
    "Cancer Free" happens πŸ™πŸ»