FAKE HEADLINES I WROTE IN THE SECOND CITY CLASS TAUGHT BY THE CO-FOUNDER OF "THE ONION"

A couple of years ago I took a class at Second City called "Writing with The Onion." It was really, really intimidating, but I learned so much. Every week we had to write a ton of headlines for homework and then get (terrifying) feedback in class. Here's a small selection of mine:
  1. ABC Family Honors September 11th Victims with Harry Potter Movie Marathon
  2. Dyson Unveils Erectile Dysfunction Pump that Never Loses Suction
  3. Building Instructions for IKEA Entertainment Center Just a Frowny Face and Squiggly Line
  4. "World's Scariest Haunted House" to Feature Hundreds of Cool Preteens Looking You Up and Down
  5. McDonalds Blames Hamburglar for Low Employee Wages
  6. Area Man Goes Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, Kills 3
  7. New TSA Measure Requires Americans to Drink All Liquids and Gels, Pee Them Out After Metal Detector
  8. Area Dog Enjoys Thanksgiving Dinner of Pig Ears, Own Feces
  9. York Peppermint Patty Gives Area Woman Full-On Orgasm
  10. Study: 100% of Black-and-White Cats Cleverly Named "Oreo"
  11. Douchebag Suffocates in Cloud of Axe
  12. NYPD Mistakenly Stop-and-Frisk Heavily Spray-Tanned Woman
  13. Donald Trump Buys Solid Gold Wife
  14. Johnson & Johnson No-Tears Shampoo No Help at Funeral
  15. Mumford & Sons to Spend Hiatus Visiting Family in 1860s Ireland
  16. Rape Victim Ruins Future of Promising College Football Star
  17. Daniel Tosh Skewers Own Grandmother in Politically-Incorrect Eulogy
  18. Rookie Standup Comedian Clears Up the Difference Between Men and Women Once and For All
  19. Area Cat Just Trying to Lick Its Anus in Peace
  20. Modern Family Wins Emmy for Most Formulaic Sitcom