WHAT TO DO IF YOU SHIT YOUR PANTS IN PUBLIC
You just shit yourself. You're in public. Here's your options.
- •If you're mid-activity, stop that activity in a slow manner that appears that you're taking a planned break.
- •If you're mid-conversation, cover your unexpected reaction by saying you forgot something and proceed to grab your phone.
- •Find a bathroom. Bathrooms within 1000 feet are considered "accessible" while those outside of this zone are considered "troubling."
- •If you're sitting, you'll need to stand. Do so in a way that avoids your butt area coming into contact with parts of the chair, tables, or your surroundings.
- •When walking to an accessible bathroom, limit movement in the upper part of your legs, hips, and groin as to contain your poop into the smallest surface area possible.
- •A private bathroom is best, handicapped stall is a better option, regular stall is acceptable. If there aren't available stalls you may need to time your pants removal extremely well while no one is in the sink area or move to the options for those who having "troubling" bathroom access
- •If your access to a bathroom is "troubling" survey your surroundings for an indoor space that appears to be relatively private and provides good cover, or an outdoor space that resembles an alcove, trash area, alley, or covered foliage/shrubbery
- •Walking down stairs is acceptable as the pants material will stay looser in the back as you move slowly. Walking up stairs is a big no.
- •Remove your pants by continuing to stand up straight and using your heel to loosening your other heel from your shoe. Repeat for other foot.
- •Unzip pants and pull them down from your body in a way that limits the rear pants material from touching other parts of your shirt or pants. Check to see if you've done a double saturation.
- •If you haven't double saturated, remove pants entirely and place them in an area outside of arms reach. If you have double saturation, there's no use cleaning it right now. You've already walked to where you are with a shit stain, so you might as well walk to your Uber with it after you've cleaned up.
- •Carefully remove your underwear by pulling the back down first and examining it. If you have single saturation through the underwear, stretch the leg openings wide to avoid getting shit in your legs or socks, then fold it up poop on the inside (like a burrito!)
- •If you don't have double or single saturation, you're in luck! You've only shat yourself enough for it to be confined between your butt cheeks. Remove your shirt and use toilet paper, paper towels, or tissue to wipe yourself out. If these aren't available use the cleanest parts of your underwear.
- •Put your pants back on and order an Uber to return to your area of residence ASAP. Leave the underwear exactly where you removed it - you've dealt with enough and the person who will eventually have to remove it has seen it before. Don't tell anyone you've left and make up excuses later.
- •Reflect on why you did shit yourself to avoid future surprise poops. Areas to examine : diet, workout, stress, environment, etc.