Our nation has been blessed with some witty characters running for president. It is both hilarious and terrifying. Here, I try and make the candidates more, um, digestible.
  1. Donald Trump
    Cocktails in the Trump Tower Chicago actually bar range from $18-$81!!!!!!! Do you really want a president who would make you pay $18 for a drink? That doesn't include tip I'm talking $18 just for the drink.
  2. Hillary Clinton
    HIL would charge you $8 MAX ($10 if you make over $200k) for somethin real fancy- like a Moscow Mule or a bottle of Barefoot wine.
  3. Bernie Sanders
    Bernie Sanders would definitely hand out free PBR. You'd love it, but then question how he could afford it. Whatever, who are you to ask?
  4. Ted Cruz
    Ted Cruz doesn't own the bar but he hangs around in the shadows of it sometimes. He'd buy you the first drink, but then creepily follow you all night until you buy him one.
  5. Ben Carson
    Ben Carson charges $19 because he knows Trump charges a dollar less. Ben Carson doesn't allow women into his bar. Ben Carson doesn't quite know it, but Ben Carson owns a gay bar.
  6. Marco Rubio
    Poor Marco can't get into the bar because no bouncer believes he's old enough to drink. He sits outside and asks people to pass back their IDs, but no one helps.
  7. Jeb Bush
    So Jeb would only charge you $5 for a drink but you have to comfort him while he cries all night.
  8. Mike Huckabee
    Mike Huckabee will serve you the best old fashioned you'll ever have and then tell you it costs $65. He then proceeds to scream when you refuse to leave a tip. Who knew the guy had so much anger?
  9. John Kasich
    Kasich gives you a free beer bong of Busch Light so long as you root for Ohio State
  10. Carly Fiorina
    Carly charges you $14 for a drink but just ends up round-house kicking you in the face. It's actually kind of an awesome experience.