BERRIES, RANKED

Fruit consumption is important. What the fuck else are you gonna put in your yogurt to make things interesting? Honey? Only if you have a death wish. Here are some berries I like. List is limited to things we all agree are berries. "But what about the avocado?" someone might say. "That's technically a one-seeded berry." Yeah. Funny joke, asshole.
  1. 1.
    Blueberry
    King of the berries, no question. An antioxidant powerhouse. Eat them for breakfast, muddle them in gin, put some in a weird salad, who cares. Just don't get your hopes up for consuming the whole box you buy -- 90% of any box of blueberries is gonna be a smashed up, moldy mush. Guess what? Still worth it.
  2. 2.
    Raspberry
    The tastiest berry (arguably), but is it the healthiest? I don't know, honestly. From reading the studies, it seems like no one does. These are great though. Fun thing to do is pull apart the little sections, transforming a single raspberry into many small ones. Then eat those. Or just eat it without doing that. Who cares?
  3. 3.
    Strawberry
    A very standard berry, perhaps known more as a flavor of things (candy, medicine, lube) than a thing of its own. Also, unlike the higher ranking berries, the strawberry requires a little bit of preparation in removing the leaves up top. That's a pain. And sometimes you cut off a lot of the strawberry with them, wasting food and money. And sometimes you cut yourself accidentally and then there's blood everywhere and the screaming won't stop and oh god the fire is coming. Anyway. Average berry.
  4. 4.
    Cranberry
    A solid berry but hard to know what to do with. You can't really eat them raw, and most juice forms of it have like a dead pancreas worth of sugar. And good luck drinking the ones that don't. That said, it's a silver bullet to the heart of a UTI, amiright ladies? And you can make a sauce out of them for Thanksgiving. Of course, you'll make way too much, and your mom will keep the leftovers in the fridge for months, claiming it doesn't go bad, but how could that be true? It makes no sense, mom.
  5. 5.
    Blackberry
    Healthy, I assume, but crazy unwieldy. They come like 6 to a pack, and you have to deal with whatever that thing is that's hiding in the middle of the blackberry. What is that? I don't have a blackberry handy to check, but the texture weirds me out. It makes me feel like I am eating the berry's heart. Then I think about my heart. Then I think about heart disease. Then I'm trying to remember my Cedars password to check the results of my last cholesterol test. Thanks a lot, blackberry.
  6. 6.
    Lingonberry
    Available (exclusively?) at IKEA, I have nothing against these berries specifically, but I do associate them with an overwhelming shopping experience. So, not my favorite berry, but I'm generally a fan of things from Sweden (The Tallest Man on Earth, Ingmar Bergman, Pippi Longstocking, the old Volvo my mom used to drive), so I'm gonna give this the benefit of the doubt, for now. Prove yourself, lingonberry.
  7. 7.
    Boysenberry
    This is a berry I had heard of (mostly as a flavor of syrup at IHOP) but never seen or eaten. Actually, Wikipedia reveals it's basically the same thing as a blackberry!!! Do they taste different? Should I know this? I hate any berry that makes me feel so self-conscious. Fuck you, boysenberry.
  8. 8.
    Goji berry
    I've seen these around in dried form. I assume they exist in other forms. Sounds suspiciously like a bullshit berry given its "look at me, I have mystical healing powers" packaging, but I guess it isn't entirely fair to hold that against a berry that probably isn't sentient, let alone in control of its marketing campaign. Still though. Do better Goji berry.
  9. 9.
    Chuck Berry
    Little goof here. Not a piece of fruit but a pretty good guitar player. Apparently he may or may not have stolen most of his songs from his piano player, Johnnie Johnson. Also he definitely videotaped women in the bathroom of his restaurant. For these reasons and the fact that he is not an edible berry, I consign him to the bottom of this list.