SCENARIOS IN WHICH I WOULD VOTE FOR A REPUBLICAN FOR PRESIDENT

Hey, it could happen.
  1. Gun to my head, balls, or knee
    Taking a bullet in any of these places would be a real bummer. Isn't the knee like the most painful place to be shot or something? Then again, two out of the three seem survivable. Let's call this scenario a "maybe."
  2. Weird Sophie's Choice scenario where the Republican nominee is someone like Rand Paul, and the Democratic nominee is inexplicably Rick Santorum
    Not saying this is likely, but I assume it is theoretically possible? This scenario of course assumes voting is mandatory and the only third party candidate is Chris Christie.
  3. It would further my career to show such total commitment to a bit
    Would it make me the new Andy Kaufman to do something like this? If I thought it would, I might consider it.
  4. Nick of Time-type situation meets a Swing Vote sort of thing
    Don't exactly remember the plots of either of these but I'm imagining a scenario in which the election is tied (?) I'm the last to vote (??) and my son (???) is being held hostage by conservative lunatics. Of course, I would probably find a way to save him, thwart their plan, and not vote Republican at the very last second.
  5. Bruce Springsteen endorses the Republican nominee
    Not gonna lie, this would put me in a real bind. He's the Boss. He's my North Star. But he's also a very wealthy man who might be inclined to favor a candidate pushing some kind of flat tax. That said, in this scenario, it is likely Tom Petty might endorse the Democratic nominee, so that would definitely offer some guidance. Not much though. I'm anxious even imagining this situation. Don't do this to me, Bruce.
  6. The Republican nominee is Donald Trump
    If this happens, pretty sure the election would be canceled on account of the Cthulhu attacks that kill millions, but just in case...
  7. The Republicans nominate someone who believes that profit ought not to be a part of the healthcare system
    But what are the odds this happens if even the probable Democratic nominee doesn't believe it?