WAYS TO USE THE INTERNET TO CALM DOWN

Sometimes I'm in a funk or have just woken up and know it's going to be one of those days where I fail to thrive. That's when I turn to the World Wide Web to give me that extra boost. Here's what I do.
  1. Do a Google News search for "cancer"
    This is useful for several reasons. First, it will tell me if they've cured cancer since a few hours ago, when I last checked. Boy would that cheer me up! Failing that, it will keep me up to date on cancer's movements. This is useful for obvious reasons and makes me feel like I am a step ahead. Some might wonder why I don't just have a news alert set up so I don't have to constantly check. Because that would rob me of the dangerous thrill of typing it in!
  2. Freeclick on Wikipedia
    In preparation for a possible (likely?) future run-in with full body paralysis, I like to see where I can go on Wikipedia using only my right index finger to click around. Can I get to Back to the Future 2? Can I get from Back to the Future 2 to Walter Mondale to Funkadelic's Maggot Brain? And if so, in how many clicks? The answer never fails to surprise and delight me. And even if I don't get there, it's about the journey!
  3. "Boyhood" a semi-stranger
    "Boyhooding" is what I call it when I randomly pick the Facebook page of a high school acquaintance and quickly breeze through their last 12 years of photos. What happened? What didn't? And how can it make me feel less like the walls are closing in on me? Ooh, they went to the Louvre!
  4. Check the weather
    Maybe it will be a nice day. I don't fuckin know.
  5. What's new on Netflix
    I almost never want to watch something on Netflix. Who has the time? There's a whole world out there! But with them constantly adding movies and removing movies, it makes me feel plugged in and relevant to be on top of it. Netflix is evolving. And maybe I can evolve with it.
  6. Look for new MacBook batteries
    By now I've worn down my computer battery pretty good and I'm miles away from having the strength to get up and find my charger and plug it in. Luckily, I have just enough juice to get onto Amazon Prime and have a drone fly one out to me in no time at all. This feeling of resourcefulness is all I need to get me through the day. I cancel the battery order, triumphant!