1. Start with a salty protein
  2. Mix in only attached friends
  3. Add 6 cups Midwestern Catholic fear of expressing one's true emotions
    You may find this in other regions, but the Midwest variant is particularly hearty.
  4. Fold in a recent expensive jacket purchase
    A unique ingredient really sets off a dish. Take care to throw out the receipt so a return is impossible, and beating up oneself is made even easier.
  5. Chop up an unseasonably warm week
    Stay indoors until everyone is having fun but you.
  6. Trim out possibility of looking outside oneself
    You could volunteer somewhere, pick up a few evening shifts at a coffee shop, write in your flipping blog, but are you serious about this?
  7. Bake with decades of precedent
  8. Garnish with a social gathering where everyone else seems to know the secret handshake
    Cruelty-free preferred, otherwise make due.
  9. Serves one.