🚨🚨NAME CHANGE ALERT: Now, Billy Zane!

  1. I was just thinking, the actor Billy Zane has been in on the joke his whole career. Zane:
  2. Was a parody of a man spurned
    in TITANIC.
  3. A relatively unthreatening psycho villain
  4. A laughable henchman
    In the BACK TO THE FUTURE movies.
  5. A joke of a film noir anti-hero
    In I WOKE UP EARLY THE DAY I DIED (based on an unfilmed Ed Wood script! Oh, the 90s . . .).
  6. A winking Satan
    In DEMON KNIGHT. Underrated!
  7. A sniper who gets no respect despite being good at snipping.
    In SNIPER.
  8. Has worn wigs throughout his career, yet is proudly bald in real life. It's like he knows we know.
    Similar to frequently changing one's name on social media while making almost no effort to alter one's identity.
  9. Played himself, so reduced in Hollywood, he can only announce male model walk-offs.
  10. And yet, he's worked steadily the whole time. He always seems like he's having fun in whatever gas station burrito of a movie he's in this week.
    I should be so lucky.
  11. May you smile through your 'stache at all life's challenges.
    Regards, Billy Zane. (For now.)