ALAN RICKMAN FILMS I HAVE SEEN, RANKED FROM WORST TO BEST

A list that is both exciting and daunting to compile...
  1. Mesmer
    Alan's hair, though glorious, doesn't quite make up for this pretty unremarkable film.
  2. Nobel Son
    Alan as an obnoxious professor who shags a student on his desk. Oh, and there's a pretty funny scene on a plane!
  3. Blow Dry
    Ultimate barber showdown between traditional Yorkshireman Alan and snazzy sellout Bill Nighy. Fun and silly but ultimately a bit of fluff. Josh Hartnett gets in the way.
  4. Quigley Down Under
    Robin Hood in the Australian bush. Alan looks good in black. Magnum PI/Richard-from-Friends' moustache gets second billing.
  5. Dark Harbour
    Should you let weird young men into your house in the middle of nowhere so they can maybe seduce your wife? Yes, because he's actually your lover and this is the plot you orchestrated to kill your wife.
  6. Close My Eyes
    AKA The Incest One. Best bits: Alan's hair. Alan's name (Sinclair!). Worst bit: watching a brother and sister have sex. Most confusing bit: why on earth she prefers her brother to Alan, who is superior in every way. Superior Sinclair.
  7. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
    Disappointing. Alan's underused, and the rest is just not that funny. Shame, it had potential.
  8. Judas Kiss
    Nice to see Alan alongside Emma Thompson, but my god the rest of it was pretty dire.
  9. Gambit
    Good old British caper with Colin Firth, a tiger, and an unfortunately placed desk (you know the scene I'm talking about).
  10. Something The Lord Made
    This would probably be higher up the list if I'd actually been paying attention to it. One for a re-watch.
  11. Alice in Wonderland
    Saw this recently and I'm starting to wonder if maybe I don't actually like the Tim Burton-Helena Bonham Carter-Johnny Depp team. Maybe I'm tired of it now. Well anyway, this was OK (actually Helena was really good in it, the best she's been in a while). I'd have preferred it if the caterpillar had looked a bit more like Alan.
  12. Sweeney Todd
    Saw this back in the I-love-Tim-Burton days so it's hard to know what I'd think of it now. Though even at the time I was a bit underwhelmed by it. Funny though, it's the second Burton film with Alan, Depp and Bonham Carter in it.
  13. Perfume
    I loved the book this film is based on, and although the film is nowhere near as good, I can't blame the filmmakers as the book is basically unfilmable. They gave it a good shot.
  14. An Awfully Big Adventure
    An interesting film for Hugh Grant fans this one - less foppy than usual, and better for it. I feel like I missed a lot when I saw this, that I might get more from it the second time around. Also, Alan has sex in it.
  15. The Search for John Gissing
    Another caper-y one. Nice shots of London. Best bit: Alan getting hit in the face by a door!
  16. Bob Roberts
    Although Alan's role in this is pretty small, he does the shady spin doctor well, and the rest of the film is really good too. Not the most subtle of satires, but who doesn't love a good politician-bashing? Especially when it's funny!
  17. Rasputin
    Russia's greatest love machine.
  18. Bottle Shock
    English wine snob meets easy-going Americans. Cue English self-deprecating humour. Pretty funny, and based on a true story! Let's all laugh at the French. A good film to appreciate Alan's fine nose.
  19. Closet Land
    This must have been a weird script to get. 'Man interrogates and tortures woman in a room. We have no idea how she got there or what the world outside is like. There are no other characters and no other rooms.' Weirdest Alan film ever. Interesting. But weird.
  20. Dust
    Technically a short film. It's strange and interesting and leaves you wanting more.
  21. Michael Collins
    Great film about Irish Republicanism with Liam Neeson in the starring role. Alan's role is pretty small in this one as well, but he does it well, and Neeson rightly and deservedly takes centre stage.
  22. Robin Hood Prince of Thieves
    Now, I know this film isn't great, but it was an important part of my childhood and will always have a place in my heart. Alan camps it up a bit to play the Sheriff and does it brilliantly! The rest of the cast are great too, even the inexplicably American ones - Morgan Freeman, Christian Slater, Mike McShane, and the brilliant Geraldine McEwan! I could happily quote this film all day.
  23. Love Actually
    Another guilty pleasure. Cheesy, Christmassy mush, but enjoyable nonetheless. Alan and Emma Thompson are so great, it's almost enough to make you want to get married and have kids. So long as the person you're marrying is either Alan or Emma.
  24. Die Hard
    German Alan: 'Now I have a machine gun. Ho...ho...ho.'
  25. Sense and Sensibility
    Alan, Kate Winslet, Emma Thompson, Hugh Grant, and a small but brilliant turn by Hugh Laurie. Just brilliant.
  26. Dogma
    Really clever satire of organised religion. First time I've ever wanted to have a drink with/have sex with a) an angel or b) anything without genitals.
  27. The Song of Lunch
    This is basically how I'd imagine the Snape/Lily storyline to have gone if Voldemort hadn't come along and fucked everything up. And if Snape hadn't been quite so bitter and angry. And without magic. But anyway, this is beautiful and sad and funny.
  28. Snow Cake
    I love this film. I love Sigourney Weaver. Alan's really good at just stepping back and letting another character shine and not getting in the way, and here he does it perfectly. Weird to see Trinity off the Matrix not in black leather.
  29. Harry Potter films
    I'd need a whole other list to describe the things I feel about these films.
  30. Truly Madly Deeply
    Ghost, but better because it's got Alan in it playing a cello (new favourite instrument) surrounded by books in a cool London flat and it's British and not corny. Actually I've never seen Ghost, but come on it's got Patrick Swayze in it!
  31. Galaxy Quest
    Funniest film ever. Another one I could quote all the time. And probably end up annoying people.