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  1. What size sports bra do I wear?
    "Medium."
  2. What's my social security number?
    "XXX-XX-XXXX"
  3. Do I put a 1 or a 0 here on my W4?
    "0"
19 more...
  1. Eating in bed
    I hate finding crumbs in my sheets when I go to sleep, and yet here we are.
  2. Scratching mosquito bites
    I scratched like crazy when I had chicken pox as a kid and still have scars. I guess I'll NEVER LEARN.
  3. Spending 20 minutes on my phone almost every morning before even getting up to pee
6 more...
  1. Woah, Mickey Rourke was so good looking when he was younger. Will people say that about me when I'm 63? Will I look that different in 40 years? Aging is weird. Especially when you're Mickey Rourke.
    I mean, wow.
  2. I can't believe how many words exist that I don't know. I should be better about learning vocab. Maybe I should get one of those word of the day calendars.
    Words I looked up today include prostrate, sacrosanct, and impugn.
  3. I don't get it. Why do they call him Mr. Big? What's his real name? Am I just supposed to accept this weird nickname?
    Recently started season 1 of Sex and the City. The late nineties were 🔥🔥🔥
  4. I wonder how long I can avoid grocery shopping without starving to death.
As requested by one of the primary sources of my laughter, @meghancooking
  1. Little children cussing
  2. Poop/fart jokes
    The more immature, the better 💩
  3. When Colin Jost does this
7 more...
  1. "Everything is legal in New Jersey."
  2. "Uh-oh! You made the wrong sucker a cuckold. So time to pay the piper for the pants you unbuckled."
    Sassy as hell
  3. "Awesome! Wow!"
    Done in a patronizing American accent
8 more...