Why I Can't Sleep Right Now

Insomniac monologues.
  1. It's 10PM. Who goes to bed at 10PM and expects to drift off like the wind?
  2. I'm thinking about all the lists that need making.
  3. The left leg of my pajama pants is riding up and my OCD is flaring.
  4. I have to pee.
  5. I still haven't read everything in the world.
  6. I'm thinking of getting a piercing where the sun don't shine (I just want to be cool, ma.)
  7. Dehydrated.
  8. I wish I was watching a Bette Davis movie instead.
  9. I have a wedgie now.
  10. Too hot with the blankets on, too cold with them off.
  11. I keep counting how many hours of sleep I would get if I slept this second.
  12. I'm thinking of breakfast.
  13. My stomach is upset from all the kale chips I had today.
  14. I wonder if my farts are audible to my sleeping husband.
  15. (Honey, I'm sorry, if you're reading this, that wasn't a fart noise that woke you up. The earth is under attack by giant bursting flammable bubbles. Goodbye cruel world.)