IMPORTANT THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THE 2001 "FACTS OF LIFE" REUNION SPECIAL

In the year 2001, The Facts of Life had a Thanksgiving reunion special in the form of an ABC TV movie — directed by Charles Herman-Wurmfield and starring original cast members Charlotte Rae, Lisa Whelchel, Mindy Cohn, and Kim Fields. Nancy McKeon was notably absent. Here are some things you should know about it.
  1. 1.
    Tootie has chosen to go by the name Dorothy instead, and bristles at being called her childhood nickname by her childhood friends. We will call her Tootie for the rest of this list.
  2. 2.
    Jo, who isn't a lesbian, couldn't make it to the reunion because of vaguely described police work. In her stead she sent her daughter Jamie, who isn't a lesbian, and her Backstreet-Boys-producing husband.
  3. 3.
    It is not explained why Jamie and Jo's husband would rather spend Thanksgiving with her former schoolmates than their wife and mother.
  4. 4.
    Tootie is an actress turned talk show host who is willing to torpedo her syndicated daily talk show for the chance to perform a two minute portion of The Vagina Monologue.
  5. 5.
    They could not get the rights to say "The Vagina Monologues" so they call it the "Gynecological Monologues."
  6. 6.
    Natalie thinks her foreign-born cab driver, who speaks English perfectly except for using inaccurate articles, is a bad driver. So she takes over — and eventually, in awe of her, HE pays HER for the two hour trip from NYC to Peekskill.
  7. 7.
    Mrs. Garrett traveled around the third world doing charity work. Via her lover's luxury cruise ship.
  8. 8.
    Blaire owns a hotel and has trouble keeping a handyman because they all keep going to Hollywood and becoming celebrities.
  9. 9.
    The remaining trio of girls sniff the driveway of the Eastland school and decide it still smells "exactly the same."
  10. 10.
    Natalie is dating two hunks at once, and is thus described unironically as a "strumpet" by women under 40 in 2001.
  11. 11.
    Blaine married a man with the same last name as her — and hyphenated them. Turning her from "Blaire Warner" into "Blaire Warner-Warner." This is not played for laughs.
  12. 12.
    Many of the restaurants in Peekskill are inexplicably closed the entire week of Thanksgiving.
  13. 13.
    The hotel that Blaire owns has, for some reason, an extensive aviary — but still no handyman.
  14. 14.
    Admittedly, everyone looks great.
  15. 15.
    Everything that happened in the series is referenced as having occurred in 1982. Despite the series running for 9 years.
  16. 16.
    Nobody knows how to fix a gushing pipe in Blaire's hotel. For days. This is of minor consequence.
  17. 17.
    At one point we got a story about Blaire's famous Cerebral Palsy suffering comedian cousin Geri. This is ostensibly a speech about the importance of being yourself — which is employed as a resolution to teenage delinquency.
  18. 18.
    There is a chef who is sexually attracted to Mrs. Garrett despite her resistance to his "charms." At one point the octogenarian says "When I say no he says oui!" as she runs from him. Nobody finds this sexual assault inappropriate or troubling.
  19. 19.
    The films secondary conflict is that Blaire discovers that her husband has been lying to her for several months. We later discover that he had been lying to her about volunteering with abused children.
  20. 20.
    After discovering that she'd been cheating on him with another man for the entire length of their relationship, one of Natalie's boyfriends proposes to her. She accepts.
  21. 21.
    Towards the end of the film the fourth wall is broken, and it is made clear that the gang is aware that their teen years were a highly rated fictional television show. This is never referenced again.
  22. 22.
    After breaking and entering private property, the adults scold their teenage children for breaking and entering private property — then they break and enter private property together twice more. This is not commented on.
  23. 23.
    Tootie decides to move back to New York in the year 2001 as a "new beginning." Two months after 9/11.
  24. 24.
    A restaurant critic appears to review the bistro in Blaire's hotel. Because it is closed the day she's scheduled to appear — Thanksgiving — she instead reviews their family Thanksgiving dinner, which is conducted inside their abandoned boarding school.