My Famous Family

Growing up, my friends and I referred to our favorite [minor] celebrities as relatives (e.g., Dorky Uncle Dens for Dennis Miller, Baby Jarv for Jarvis Cocker, Wifeisha for Aisha Tyler — this was the 1990s, gimme a break). Here's my updated list for 2016:
  1. Cousin Gordo
    Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the type of cousin to get all psyched about that rare Yo La Tengo colored 7-inch vinyl he found and to blow off a Hollywood party to come over and play it on your bomb mono setup.
  2. Aunt Nellanor
    Nell Zink would make a great aunt-by-marriage-now-divorced. Your uncle married her (and was ultimately left by her) because she doesn't subscribe to social norms, especially when it comes to family and [ahem] sex.
  3. Big Cuz Dre
    Andre Iguodala could override the need to mansplain everything to your relatives back in Pennsylvania. Like why grandpa helped pay for you to get two degrees from top universities, but you still work for a startup. Dre just gets Silicon Valley, and now Gramps does, too.
  4. Sissy Alecia
    Even though she's your baby sister, P!nk has always been the one to keep bullies and assholes at bay. At first, it was quid pro quo to get parents and teachers off her back. But it eventually became about her making fun of your hipster pants and baseball card collection with relative impunity.
  5. Mama Connie
    If she weren't already your mother, you would have probably married Connie Britton's daughter, just to have her in your fam. She tells you a new weird, true story about herself on Mother's Day every year: She played harmonica with the Violent Femmes! She took part in an FBI tax evasion sting! She was almost born in Cuba!
  6. Cool Dad Barry
    Does this really need any explanation?