THOUGHTS I HAVE HAD AT JURY DUTY TODAY

  1. Please don't pick me
  2. Please don't pick me
  3. Please don't pick me
  4. Oh shit did I forget my battery backup charger?
    (I did not. Phew.)
  5. Please don't pick me
  6. I wonder if the pre-recorded tape they play for us will feature a Baltimore celebrity?
    (It did not.)
  7. It seems a little late for the pre-recorded tape to be telling us how to dress for jury duty.
    FWIW the dress code is "don't be slutty" and "pull up your damn pants" but also I'm paraphrasing.
  8. Please don't pick me
  9. Wait, did the pre-recorded tape just tell us not to be offended if we don't get picked?
  10. PLEASE. OFFEND ME.
  11. Please don't pick me.
  12. If that woman doesn't stop sucking on her gums, I swear...
  13. Oh crap, okay, they called my number.
  14. Why is the clerk asking me if I'm accepting or waiving payment?
  15. Why wouldn't someone accept payment?
  16. I...like money.
  17. What happens if you don't accept payment?
  18. Oh shit she's waiting for a response.
  19. "Accept payment?"
  20. Hey cool, I got $15!
  21. That's about an hour's wages if we raise the minimum wage. Two hour's wages if we're at $7.25.
  22. Wow, that's depressing.
  23. Maybe I should try to make friends with the people sitting near me.
  24. No, no. That's a horrible idea.
  25. I'M NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS
  26. Jury duty is literally the most boring reality show ever.
  27. Now would be a great time to answer all those unread emails.
  28. But I hate email. I wonder if there's anything new on Twitter.
  29. ...is that...snoring?...I hear behind me???
  30. I wish I could sleep in public like that.
  31. You go, old man. Sleep on!
  32. They're playing a movie for us? What movie could possibly be acceptable to be shown in a government building for a randomly selected group of citizens?
  33. Oh.
  34. It's Meet The Parents.
  35. Could be worse. Could've been Mortdecai.
  36. This movie really doesn't hold up well at all.
  37. There are now two people snoring. One is sitting next to me. It's less cute now.
  38. 4 hours down. 4.5 hours to go.
  39. WE GET AN HOUR FOR LUNCH??? THIS IS AMAZING.
  40. Cheez-its are an acceptable lunch, right?
  41. AH HOUR FOR LUNCH IS TOO DAMN LONG.
  42. I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF IM BEING CALLED OR NOT.
  43. I AM SO BORED.
  44. Should I feel guilty complaining about a civic duty?
  45. Did...that man pick up wrapping paper on his lunch break?
  46. Is he really going to sit on the floor and wrap a present right now?
  47. Oh. Oh yes. Yes he is.
  48. I no longer feel guilty. Let me out of here!
  49. So we're going from Meet The Parents...to Hitch?
  50. At least I've never seen Hitch.
  51. Oh shit where did I put my juror card?
  52. Hitch opens by asserting that any woman who says she's more interested in her career than dating is a lying liar who lies.
    Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
  53. Oh good! I found my juror card.
    It was in my pocket.
  54. All the advice Hitch gives seems to be "interact with women like they're human beings" but it's presented as "here's the cheat codes that let you into sex city."
    This is why men attack women who turn them down. Men have been told that if they act like decent human beings they've earned sex.
  55. If I had to choose between sitting here and watching a movie filled with regressive gender stereotypes or getting called for jury duty...
  56. When should I publish this list? Now and keep updating it? Or wait until the end of the day?
  57. Fuck it. Publishing now.