For Me, Depression Is...
(An incomplete and ever-expanding bummer of a list)
- •Cancelling plans at the last minute."Sure I'd love to go!" *20 minutes before scheduled meeting* "...Oh god I don't want to do this" *sends the obligatory "sorry I fell sick" text*
- •Not responding to texts.Yeah, that's my bad.
- •Taking out the trash or putting away clothes becomes literally the hardest task in the world.Hours will slip by as I sit on the couch thinking about how much I need to do.
- •Not wearing underwear for three weeks because I can't bring myself to do laundry.If only you knew...
- •Waking up every morning filled with dread.It's the most unpleasant way to start the day, and I can't make it stop.
- •Having a physical reaction when I see an ex on the street.Breathing becomes hard, my head gets fuzzy, I get nauseous and lose my appetite. Rationally, I know I'm over them. For some reason my body hasn't caught on though. It'll ruin me for at least a day.
- •An inability to concentrate, ever.I lose track of what you're saying mid-conversation. Don't even get me started on lectures and classes.
- •Perpetual guilt over everything.That assignment I submitted late? Blowing you off that time we were supposed to hang out? The way I ended that last relationship? Not being honest about my feelings? Hiding things from people? Yeah, it might upset you, but I can pretty much guarantee that it will continue to torture me endlessly for weeks and months.
- •Unwavering sadness.I can't shake it, and it rubs off on the people around me (which contributes to the guilt).
- •A complete and total inability to meet new people and make friendships.Nope. At this point it's literally out of the question. I can barely talk to my friends, let alone strangers.
- •Avoiding parties at all costs.I can't. Too many people, too loud, too much drinking. All I can think about is how miserable and self conscious and feel, and about how much I wish I was home.
- •Incredible boredom.My mind circles the same topics over and over again. I distract myself with the same boring TV shows and social networks. Everything is boring and I can't escape it.
- •Not going out because I need to go to sleep at 11PM.I'm too tired to go out at night, so I stay home and go to bed early. I need a lot of sleep, and I'm not willing to sacrifice sleep for fun.
- •Self doubt.Am I depressed? Am I just doing this to justify my laziness? IS ANY OF THIS EVEN REAL?
- •Imposter syndrome.I feel like such a liar whenever I talk to anybody. If they're new, I feel phony. If they're old friends, I feel like I'm putting on a show. I don't know what's real anymore, but I know that what I'm doing feels fake.