DECEITFUL FOODS THAT DEEPLY OFFEND ME
I love food. I don't mind when people have different tastes than I do. But these foods are full of shit and they infuriate me.
- •Carob chipsThe passing off of carob as substitution for chocolate is one of the world's greatest injustices. In no way is carob like chocolate. I'm mad they even made it into chip form, because it will trick more unsuspecting children into thinking this chalky craptastic ingredient has any place in a dessert. It does not. It's horrible.
- •Buttered popcorn jelly beansUsually, I'm of the mind that you do you, jelly bean flavor lover. More good ones for me. BUT this flavor is so immensely gross AND looks like so many delicious flavors, depending on overabundance or lack of tell-tale yellow spots: vanilla, cream soda, caramel corn, toasted marshmallow, coconut, pineapple, lemon drop, piña colada. There is a special place in hell for the jelly bean that leads you to believe your mouth will soon be filled with delicious citrus and is instead buttered popcorn.
- •Eggplant "tater tots""But Sally," you may say, "you love being tricked by vegetables passing as different food! Cauliflower rice! Butternut squash fries! Kale chips! All favorites!" And you'd be right! But the literal name of this food implies there will be taters. Do not promise me potatoes if you can not deliver.
- •Spiralized zucchiniAgain, you may protest as above. And you may point out my devotion to spaghetti squash, a vegetable that looks like spaghetti but tastes 0% like spaghetti. And again, you'd be right. But zucchini is the most disgusting vegetable in the world. Spiralizing it doesn't change that fact.
- •Red delicious applesThese are not delicious; I will rail against this until the end of time. This name is a LIE.
- •Diaper cake"That's not a food!" you say. YOU ARE CORRECT. That's why it shouldn't called a cake and presented at parties like a cake. Do not blaspheme the name of a perfectly lovely dessert with something intended to catch human waste.