Requested by Sam Schreiber


I love @sam; she invited me here; she is the best.
  1. 1.
    First of all, show her a picture of her cats, call them her little men, and tell her how much she loves them.
    This would not prove that I am her best friend, as many people know this about her, but it would endear me to her, which is important, because Sam suffers no fools.
  2. 2.
    Enlist the assistance of my father, a top notch chef, to make World's Best Guac ™ to lull her into complacency as I make my bid, while simultaneously mimicking every meal she's ever had at my house.
    Multi-sensory approach, you see.
  3. 3.
    Play her some Dispatch because our first friend date was to a Dispatch concert (deal with the overwhelming early 00s of this list) where I saw my crush and accidentally sang him the wrong lyrics. Sing the wrong lyrics to her.
    "Smoke heats the black throats of the chimney" is NOT the same as "Smoke heats the black throats of the children," but that will be what I sing. 😬
  4. 4.
    Then remind her of the time we meant to go to Gladstone's for clam chowder but accidentally went to Geoffrey's Malibu instead.
    Big, big difference. We were in high school, wearing soffee shorts (shout out!) and bathing suits on our way home from the beach, and had to call our parents to pay. This is an indelible memory.
  5. 5.
    Go to another room, call her and cry, because we have not lived in the same place in over 10 years and also I cry a lot, so I'd hope this would be triggering.
  6. 6.
    Tell her the details of losing her virginity. 😯
    She is a relatively private person, despite bravely asking me to make this list. Given that she did not lose her virginity TO me, my knowing this story makes it very likely I am a close friend.
  7. 7.
    Obviously, a multitude of inside jokes and embarrassing photos/stories that need not be shared here.
    But check out that NOKIA! We look like infants.
  8. 8.
    Ok, except for the time that she and one of my best male friends had a romantic encounter and they accidentally grabbed exfoliating face wash instead of a similarly shaped bottle and then fought over who got to tell me because that's pretty much my favorite story ever.
    "Can lube go...bad? Cuz this seems really grainy?"
  9. 9.
    Just kinda show up with amazeballs snacks, some killer margs, and a treasure trove of gossip and see what happens.
  10. 10.
    Finally, show her our favorite bathroom graffiti, because even if she didn't remember me, she would still want to be my friend.