Requested by Joanna Spicer

MY MOST NEGATIVE NELLY, JUDGY JUDY THOUGHTS: ON ENGAGEMENT PHOTOS

THANK YOU for permission to go off, @joannaspicer. Also requested by @e, @jennalamagna, and @mandi. You are all too good to me for indulging my crazy. Photos are cribbed right off google images (with one notable exception) so I don't lose too many friends. Sorry in advance for everyone I likely offend here, but this is my passion project
  1. First of all, I should start off by saying: good for you, engaged couples of the world! I'm happy you have found love! And I totally get that you want photos for save the dates, guest books, or even just for practice putting your heads close together in pics. Makes sense!
    That being said, there are so many engagement photo tropes that drive me bonkers, have absolutely nothing to do with getting married, and are very worthy of ridicule.
  2. The absolute most offensive to me is the girl with her hand on her cocked hip, smiling sassily, while the boy looks on longingly.
    Oh my god, you guys. He is not lusting after you from afar. You are not cheekily putting him off. This scenario is wholly unbelievable. You're getting MARRIED. You know each other! You're not fooling me!
  3. Similarly, the hands clasped, but leaning away from each other, pose.
    Oh hehe do you guys even kiss teehee so chaste. Fuck you.
  4. Or sitting waaay far away from each other but gazing with love.
    I just...don't understand. My intelligence is being insulted, I think.
  5. Then there's the: just feet. Or hands held. Or, uggghhh, two linked pinky fingers.
    Why not just elbows? Or thighs pressed together? Maybe your tongues sticking out and touching?
  6. All of a sudden, because you're engaged, I'm supposed to believe you live in the house that Pinterest built?
    Or you hang out on railroad tracks? Why do people think they need to be whimsical or about to be run over by a train to demonstrate their commitment?
  7. Ditto for vintage bicycles.
    Like, it's one thing if this couple collects olde timey bicycles. But I really don't think they do.
  8. Pretending to propose again.
    He already did it. I know, because you are having an engagement photo shoot.
  9. Worse yet, telling me she said yes.
    I know. Because you are having an engagement photo shoot.
  10. Oddly sexual poses?
    Why?
  11. Or when they're wearing these patently absurd outfits.
    It's fine to get dressed up, to look nice. I'm not a monster! I don't hate all professional photos! But HONESTLY LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR IN THAT GET-UP.
  12. And they want to show off their attempts at avant garde photography.
    These are just really bad pictures I'm expected to coo over.
  13. Can't forget ye olde foot up.
    You guys should just see what happens when you google image search "engagement photo feet." Riddle me this, newly engaged person: have you ever kicked your heel up in a kiss before this very moment? Are you in the Princess Diaries? (Also, why do so many of you seem to want photographs of just your feet?)
  14. Picture within a picture.
    Engagement photoception. Just in case this wasn't enough about us, we made it MORE about us.
  15. Hands making a heart.
    The only reason this is a thing is if you're Taylor Swift.
  16. Extremely uncomfortably serious photos.
    I know that your photographer made you take them, but you didn't have to share them.
  17. Really oddly posed photos.
    Ditto above: maybe you weren't given an option in taking them, but you were given an option in showing them to me (for me to mock).
  18. It's great that some of them spell out LOVE or FOREVER with light tricks and scrabble tiles.
    Otherwise, who would know why they were taking photos?
  19. There's a whole inexplicable trend of hiding faces while kissing with a wide variety of items.
    To maintain modesty, I gather. Well, thank the lords of purity for chalkboards with your wedding date on them, Mr&Mrs wooden blocks, and all kinds of food, because we have no idea what you're doing behind them.
  20. You guys.
    I could do this all day. I've now got a huge number of other people's engagements photos on my phone and it's kind of weird. And I know I'm making fun of other people's happiness and this makes me a shrewy monster but it is what it is.
  21. Photos that ARE okay in my book: doing something fun that maybe means something to you, and having a good time with it.
    I know one couple who walked across the Brooklyn Bridge (important to them) and made goofy faces, another cool couple whose pics I saw went and played around in an arcade 😉. The pictures are genuine and full of (real) personality -- can't knock that.
  22. Or people just playing around, actually having fun.
    Not pretending to walk barefoot in a NYC park because who are you joking with that one, now you have foot AIDS.
  23. Or photos that focus on your pet.
    Definitely would rather just see your pet.
  24. OR JUST A NICE PHOTO OF THE TWO OF YOU.
    Honestly, isn't this the point? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.