PEDIATRICS SCHTICK

Both inspired and requested by @AlexandraLouise, whose Anesthesia Schtick is one of my favorite lists of all time. I am also super corny.
  1. It's like Gatorade for your blood!
    Said excitedly to a child when repleting their electrolytes with IV fluids.
  2. I know it sounds overwhelming, but keep in mind that people have been taking care of babies literally since the beginning of humanity.
    Said with a wry grin at the end of the newborn going-home spiel if the parents look particularly terrified.
  3. Oh...do I hear...is that pancakes???
    Said with genuine wonder while listening to a child's belly. This one goes over HUGE.
  4. IS THERE AN ELEPHANT IN THERE?
    Said with extreme concern while looking in a child's ear. I'd like to take this moment to remind you that I am, in fact, a professional.
  5. You have to take care of yourself to take care of your child.
    Said as gently as humanly possible to get a parent to leave their child's bedside and get a little respite/eat something/sleep/see their other children/shower.
  6. I'm not going to tell you losing weight is easy. I mean, obviously, pot, kettle, amiright?
    Said while gesturing to myself, like ugh being chubby is the pits, we're in this together.
  7. Knock knock, baby doctors!
    Said exactly the same way as the fantastic flamboyant director of the nursery at my med school, from whom I stole this phrase.
  8. So, who all is livin at home?
    Said super casual, so cas, like I don't even care who's living at home (BUT REALLY I DO).
  9. This has nothing to do with how you look; I think you look great! I just want you to be able to grow up happy and healthy and do whatever you want. Just like a car, you have to put the right gasoline in your body to make it go.
    Said like someone super chipper and fake who isn't me, because I hate telling children to lose weight. It's one of my least favorite parts of my job.
  10. And what does it mean if a girl says yes, then changes her mind in the middle and says no?
    Said like, so annoyed with this flighty girl as a TRICK QUESTION. I am a consent ENFORCER with teenage boys.
  11. It's normal to have mood swings. BUT if it gets worse, lasts longer than 2 weeks, if all you do is sleep or you can't sleep, you don't want to eat or it's all do, you don't want to feed your baby, you have thoughts of hurting yourself or your baby, call your doctor, the pediatrician, your obgyn. Postpartum depression is real and we can treat it...
    ...It's important for your health, but it's also important for your baby's. Said firmly. (I can recite this one in my sleep, and there's actually even more to it. The mommy talk is one long schtick.)
  12. The vagina is FLAT (clapping hands together).
    Whenever explaining the NuvaRing.
  13. Lookit that smile! How do you get anything done with this one around?
    Works for 90% of babies and toddlers, even the ugly ones.
  14. Now I know, it's really easy for me to sit here and tell you what to do and then go to my quiet house while you take this little monster home. But they learn from what you do, so keep in mind what you're telling them with your actions.
    Said with varying degrees of judgment depending on if I'm encouraging parents to stop giving in to temper tantrums OR to stop threatening to "pop 'em"/straight-up slapping their child in front of me.
  15. If you have any questions or concerns, don't worry about waking me up. I'll be up all night; I'm a vampire.
    Said like a (friendly) vampire when night shift rounding.
  16. I don't want to fib to you: it will hurt, but only for about 10 seconds, and then it won't. Can you count to 10?
    I DONT LIE TO CHILDREN
  17. How many wet diapers is he making a day? About a million?
    Said conspiratorially, like oh those babies. All they do is pee.
  18. Your heart is like a house with four doors/your lungs are like a bunch of small balloons/your white blood cells are like little warriors/your kidneys are like a coffee filter for your blood
    Said like a patient schoolteacher. I like analogies.