RANKING THE JUICES IN MY JUICE CLEANSE ALONG WITH MY DIMINISHING WILL TO LIVE

Listen, real talk, I'm not cleansing shit. I am in a wedding on Saturday and my fat ass doesn't zip into the bridesmaid dress. This juice cleanse is purely to drop some water weight and consume a predetermined small amount of calories. Oh also I'm working nights and have scheduled appointments during every day. #livingmybestlife
  1. 1.
    Sunny G: og carrot, orange, pineapple, ginger
    Omg the original gangster carrot juice is amazing. 10/10 would drink again. Full disclosure: I didn't have this one until day 2 of the cleanse so my mind was a little addled by the sugar in this that I've been deprived of, but it's really good. Also, it's so sunny out, this is such an appropriate celebration. Long live Sunny G! I love juice cleanses!
  2. 2.
    Turmeric Tonic: spring water, lemon juice, turmeric, agave
    Significantly sweeter than anticipated, also a little spiced in a way that is perfect for fall. Extra points for noting that it's SPRING water, not just any kind. Also for color. Also for my intern saying it tastes kind of like a Bloody Mary when she tried it. Bless her skinny little heart.
  3. 3.
    Thai The Knot: pineapple, cucumber, lime
    It's fine. I dunno. It's awfully green. I wish it tasted more like pineapple. Points for the punny name, especially relevant to my current dilemma.
  4. 4.
    Tall black coffee
    Y'all I cheated. I need caffeine. This tastes amazing. Well to be honest, it tastes like bitterness and exhaustion, but I can't help that my body seems to think I only need four hours of sleep when I'm working nights. Plus it's unseasonably gorgeous out and if I can't walk to Starbucks and get myself an overpriced ice coffee what do I have? Nothing. I have nothing.
  5. 5.
    Smooth Operator: cucumber, apple, kale, mint
    I was very fearful this would taste like minty kale juice. It did not. Mostly tastes like sweet cucumber juice, which highly skewed my enjoyment because I was just so relieved not to be drinking kale juice.
  6. 6.
    Interlude: just put on my heels for the wedding to practice walking in for an hour because my mom psyched me out by talking repeatedly about how I'm gonna trip and break my neck
    Skinny ladies of listapp, lemme tell you, walking in heels while overweight is not a treat you have missed out on. Interest in juice cleanse begrudgingly renewed, can use any help I can get in the hilariously short period I have become devoted to this. (Also, as I used some of this time to make a slow-cooker stew for next week, WOW YOU GUYS, it's so much easier to chop when I'm 5 inches taller, this leverage is amazing, I'm jealous of all you who live this way)
  7. 7.
    Root Balance: organic carrots, local apple, lemon, beet
    This one smells like a farm stand -- distinctly produce-like but maybe a little spoiled. It's okay, I guess. I think it's possible I'm drinking grass and rotten fruit? Haha that's cool and funny. Haha. Hahahaha. Hahahhahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Send help soon.
  8. 8.
    Just signed up for an event called NUGGFEST (which my phone auto-caps now because I'm so excited about it) next week where I can eat as many chicken nuggets as I want.
    Getting desperate for morale boosters. Cmon Sally. Think of the nuggets.
  9. 9.
    Matcha Almond Mylk: almonds, spring water, dates, ginger, vanilla extract, cinnamon, nutmeg sea salt
    I was led to believe this would be my "dessert" juice. I was led to believe I'd make some pithy comment here like, "Almond Mylk? More like Mylk of the gods!" I was led to believe this cleanse would turn me into a skinny movie star. Dear friends, it seems I was led astray. This tastes how it looks: like putrid baby vomit and the ashes of dreams of dresses that fit. What does that combo taste like? ITS REALLY AWFUL SOMEONE PLEASE JUST SHOEHORN ME INTO THIS DRESS.