RIDICULOUS ITEMS I HAVE EMPLOYED TO PROTECT MYSELF AGAINST PERCEIVED THREATS

The explanation under each of these is the same: "what did I think I was going to do with that?"
  1. Soup pot: carried around the house, after watching the RDK episode of Law and Order: SVU.
    Felt like it was heavier than a frying pan?
  2. Decoy phone: in my pocket, while walking to surgery rotation as 3rd year medical student at 4:30 AM in a less than wonderful part of town.
  3. Wooden trowel: next to my bed, after I caught a homeless man staring in my windows and had to call 911.
  4. Mini mace: on my keychain, after the homeless man came back almost every night no matter how many times I called the cops.
  5. Boxes of wine: stacked against my door, homeless man again.
  6. Golf club: carried, while walking my dogs in Southern California to "protect against coyotes."
    Also used for this purpose: an air horn, a walking stick.
  7. Pre-dialed 911: on my phone, the first night in my current apartment, when a box fell in my living room in the middle of the night and I couldn't tell if someone was there, but I was so sleepy and figured I could wake up and just hit the call button if need be.
    This is the only one that even makes a little sense, which is not saying much.
  8. Knife: next to my bed, when there was unrest where I was living.
    It's worth repeating: what did I think I was going to do with this?
  9. Heavy, large Dansko work clog: carried out of my bedroom, every morning for a week after I found a roach in my house.
    I do know what I planned to do with this one.
  10. 15 minute voicemail: left on best friend's phone, while drunkenly waiting for the crosstown bus late at night, a man approached in his car to try to talk me into letting him drive me across the park and I recorded the whole conversation in case he killed me so there would be evidence.
    YOU'RE WELCOME @sam I KNOW THIS ONE WAS YOUR FAVORITE.