THE STORY ABOUT HOW I WAS BORN

This is for you, @A. It's not exactly weird, but it was eventful. Sally: sassy and stubborn from the get-go. Also chubby.
  1. 1.
    First of all, I was a gigantic baby. My mom gained only 18 lbs through the whole pregnancy. I was over 10 of them.
    You could not tell she was pregnant from behind. This photo is from 10 days before I was born.
  2. 2.
    By the end of the pregnancy, my mom had to sleep upright in a chair.
    Because I was enormous, as evidenced above.
  3. 3.
    It was the hottest summer in a billion years, the way my parents tell it.
    After I was born, I was so fussy about the heat that my notoriously frugal grandfather paid for AC to be installed in the house. I still turn into a fussy baby when hot. My mom likes to say, "you always mind the heat." Look at (older) baby me, so happy to be in the pool!
  4. 4.
    The first time my mom went into false labor, it started while she was in the office in NYC. She had to walk to Port Authority, take the park-and-ride bus to the Vince Lombardi parking area on the New Jersey Turnpike, get in the car, and drive home to the suburbs. Then my dad took her to the hospital.
    I am a pain in the ass.
  5. 5.
    The second time she went into false labor and was discharged home, she was shuffling out of the hospital, feeling defeated, in house slippers, 2 gowns, hair sticking straight off of her head, extremely pregnant, and my dad pointed out that she looked like she had escaped from the mental hospital.
    This did not go over well.
  6. 6.
    @donnie had to go to the identified "emergency friend for when the baby comes!!!" house 3 times.
    Sorry @donnie 😁 Just the start of a lifetime of annoyances. Attached picture is merely representative of 3 year-old Donnie running -- always with a briefcase for his important business matters.
  7. 7.
    When I finally did come, the epidural was wearing off as I made my final descent. My mom screamed at my father, "YOU SAID I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO IT THIS WAY AGAIN!!!"
    @donnie also was a bit recalcitrant. Pictured: us conspiring to be jerks from an early age.
  8. 8.
    I was 10lbs, 8.5oz. I came out the natural way, but took my damn time.
    Obviously, my mother is the hero of this (and many others, but particularly this) story.
  9. 9.
    They were discussing breaking my clavicles (collar bones) to get me out because I was so stuck.
    Ultimately, they did not. @TT does this horrify you?
  10. 10.
    I had bruises on my fat face from the forceps.
  11. 11.
    They had to go to the pediatrics department to get me diapers because I was too big for all the newborn ones.
    #thatchubbylife
  12. 12.
    Finally, after a few days at home, @donnie asked if they could take me back.
    As mentioned in the introduction, much of this story is thematically consistent with the rest of my life.