THINGS I IMAGINE MAKE ME LOOK ADORABLE/DESIRABLE BUT TOTALLY DO NOT
THANKS TELEVISION, MOVIES, AND OTHER POPULAR LIARS
- •Taking a bubble bath1. There is no bathtub big enough to make me look like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. 2. The bubbles never stay bubbly. 3. My hair gets wet, I look like a dog.
- •Eating a Popsicle and my lips turning blue or whateverI don't look cute and young and carefree. I look like a crazy person who doesn't know how to use a napkin.
- •Running soooo fast that my hair flaps gently behind meI am not running fast because I can not run fast. And my hair is not gently flapping behind me, it is stuck to my face because I am composed of 90% sweat. And I am disgusting.
- •Wearing scrubsThese are not built for women. I am wearing ill-fitting pajamas with very unappealing stains.
- •Having a nightmareLet me tell you, when you wake up in the middle of the night screaming, sleeping partners don't relish the opportunity to protect and reassure you and hold you lovingly while they chuckle about this quirky thing you do wow aren't you so cute and vulnerable. They are scared. And now they are awake. And you look like hell.
- •Pondering something very seriousConstipated.
- •Riding a bicycleThe helmet gets me every single time. As a pediatrician, I am extremely pro-helmet, but there is no way to look glamorous in a helmet. Also, I'm sweating.
- •GardeningI am not whimsical, I am not "of the earth," I am not a manic pixie dream girl. I am dirty. And once again, sweaty.
- •SleepingIdk maybe I do look precious doing this, I can't tell. All previous points indicate no.