THINGS I IMAGINE MAKE ME LOOK ADORABLE/DESIRABLE BUT TOTALLY DO NOT

THANKS TELEVISION, MOVIES, AND OTHER POPULAR LIARS
  1. Taking a bubble bath
    1. There is no bathtub big enough to make me look like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. 2. The bubbles never stay bubbly. 3. My hair gets wet, I look like a dog.
  2. Eating a Popsicle and my lips turning blue or whatever
    I don't look cute and young and carefree. I look like a crazy person who doesn't know how to use a napkin.
  3. Running soooo fast that my hair flaps gently behind me
    I am not running fast because I can not run fast. And my hair is not gently flapping behind me, it is stuck to my face because I am composed of 90% sweat. And I am disgusting.
  4. Wearing scrubs
    These are not built for women. I am wearing ill-fitting pajamas with very unappealing stains.
  5. Having a nightmare
    Let me tell you, when you wake up in the middle of the night screaming, sleeping partners don't relish the opportunity to protect and reassure you and hold you lovingly while they chuckle about this quirky thing you do wow aren't you so cute and vulnerable. They are scared. And now they are awake. And you look like hell.
  6. Pondering something very serious
    Constipated.
  7. Riding a bicycle
    The helmet gets me every single time. As a pediatrician, I am extremely pro-helmet, but there is no way to look glamorous in a helmet. Also, I'm sweating.
  8. Gardening
    I am not whimsical, I am not "of the earth," I am not a manic pixie dream girl. I am dirty. And once again, sweaty.
  9. Sleeping
    Idk maybe I do look precious doing this, I can't tell. All previous points indicate no.