THINGS I SAY TO MY PATIENTS THAT ARE PROBABLY ALSO RELEVANT TO YOU, YOU GIANT BABY

Fine, sorry, you're not all giant babies. Some of you are giant children.
  1. "You are the only one who is in control of your body, you get to say what goes inside it and what happens to it." - to teenagers during the sex, drugs, and alcohol part of our visit
    Important reminder.
  2. "What about this worries you the most?" -to figure out why a completely healthy patient came to the ER at 4am
    Worth asking yourself any time you get upset.
  3. "Let's get you pooping right." -almost everyday because kids are constantly constipated
    So much of life is better if you're pooping regularly and comfortably (anyone with gastrointestinal issues can attest to this).
  4. "Shhhhhhhhhhhhh" -when a baby is crying
    I mean, speak up when you need to, but shut up when you can.
  5. "Anything else I haven't asked that you think I should know?" -at the end of taking a history
    Because people don't know unless you tell them, and sometimes it's up to you to make sure they know. Even when they don't ask.
  6. "It does not have to be so painful, we can make it better." -in a variety of situations, when a kid is uncomfortable
    I will just let you apply this to your life however you need.
  7. "Just stop drinking soda and juice." -for every kid I have to encourage to lose weight
    It's sugar water, and I'm not saying I practice what I preach, but it's probably for the best.
  8. "Your belly is going 'glurgle glug gurgle'!" -when listening to abdomens
    It is.
  9. "Think about what you want to do when you grow up -- is what you're doing now going to help you get there?" - whenever a teenager tells me they're doing dumb shit
    Also applicable even when you are not carrying weapons or having unprotected sex with multiple partners.
  10. "You're doing SUCH a good job." -during every easy part of the physical exam
    Because you most likely are! Keep your chin up!