I always knew the obvious ones: colds, car accidents, ear infections, rotten food, horrible people, colds, crazy parents, bicycles, siblings etc etc. These bad boys though? Reliably (but unanticipated) bastards.
  1. Trampoline parks
    Great kid activity? Totally. Fun? Hell yes. Guaranteed to end in a broken bone? Yup.
  2. BB guns
    It is not entirely clear to me how these little BBs know exactly where eyeballs are, but they DO.
  3. Oodles of Noodles/Cup of Noodles
    These things are brutally hot and every toddler's favorite thing to pull off a counter and onto themselves.
  4. Monkey bars
    Breaking bones since...whenever monkey bars were invented.
  5. Pitbulls
    This is NOT a strike against pitbulls as pets--they're amazingly loyal and sweet. But their jaws are crazy strong, and sometimes their owners suck at training them. And I prefer my patients to keep their faces.
  6. Beads
    Kids are constantly sticking them in their ears and nose. Constantly.
  7. Smokers
    Because they trigger asthma attacks on the reg. Albuterol inhalers for DAYS y'all.
  8. Milk
    This is a double edged sword. Don't underestimate this magic source of calcium's ability to stop a kid's bowel right up and make them a screaming, constipated mess.
  9. Daycare
    Toddlers are Petri dishes. Among other things, they frequently get conjunctivitis (aka pink eye). Many daycares won't let a kid come back without a note. I could write this note in my sleep.
  10. Adult sized beds
    I'm pretty sure the only thing babies know how to do with these is roll off of them and onto their heads.