Even those running for president like to blow off a little steam with a drink at the end of the day. Here's an exclusive list of what the nominees use to self medicate.
  1. Jim Webb - Budweiser. When Webb drinks a beer he wants to be able to taste the America. He chugs it down while yelling in to the ear of the one man who will listen, as he eagerly waits for his girlfriend to get back from the bathroom. The only drink that can give Webb the courage to approach a youth voter is, a cold Bud.
  2. Bernie Sanders-Magic Hat no. 9. This may be a little on the nose but Bernie is a strong local buyer. This was the first beer he tried when he moved to Vermont and he has not considered drinking anything else since. He even has his own IPA: Magic Hat no. 99%. He pounds one at a UVM #blacklivesmatter rally.
  3. Hillary Clinton-jäger bombs . This may come as a surprise to those who assume she hits the hay after a glass of Pinot, but Hildog needs the right mix of booze and caffeine to stay up all night retrieving old emails. She slugs a few while forwarding her book club group chat to congress, and she does so with a purple smile.
  4. Martin O'mally-vodka with a protein drink chaser. Martin isn't going to compromise a wild night for his wild abs. The NRA enemy no. 1 appears to have guns of his own, thanks to what he calls "The Mally Mix". Martin "man-candy" O'Mally crushes his concoction, completely nude, while making Snow angels in Old Bay cuz, you know, Maryland.
  5. Lincoln Chafee (aka the guy all the way to the right)- Altar Wine. Drinking isn't a regular thing for Lincoln Chafee, but the last time anyone invited him for a drink was his confirmation. He throws one back to ease his nerves about wether or not God can see him play with himself at night.