Thank you, Garry Shandling, for showing several generations that comedy is better when we care about the people in it. Rest in Peace. Bless your soul.
  1. I met a girl at a BBQ, very pretty, a blonde I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: "I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me." You know. "Help me, put me out." Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?
  2. I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
  3. I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom, I don't look at other moms.
  4. It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you have inside.
  5. I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.
  6. I went to my doctor and told him, "My penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."
  7. My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.
  8. Dr. Phil is hiding something. Otherwise, why wouldn’t he use his last name?
  9. I think my dog is gay because his penis tastes bitter.
  10. What I want at my funeral is an actual boxing referee to do a count, and at 5 just wave it off and say "he's not getting up!"