MIDDLE SCHOOL GIRLFRIENDS

I peaked early.
  1. Sophia Brault
    Had glasses and braces which I thought were really cute until we kissed during spin the bottle, another girl playfully smacked our heads together, and my front tooth chipped clean in half.
  2. Emily (don't remember her last name 😔)
    Lasted less than one day, from after school track practice to lunch the following afternoon.
  3. Amelia Baker
    My first girlfriend during my parents' brief stint in Santa Barbara. I think she's in a band now.
  4. Chelsea Bilak
    We never even kissed but I slept over at her house enough to warrant my father sitting me down at age 11 to tell me to use a condom.
  5. Cerise Omdahl
    Also had braces, so I guess I had a thing for those at the time? Goaded on by a more masculine friend of mine, I bought her a cotton thong from a bargain bin at Wet Seal for Valentine's Day 2002.
  6. Georgia Zeavin
    We never dated but I count this one because I thought I loved her. Gave her lyrics to ATARIS songs, pretending I wrote them. Made out with her on a couch in the Nordstrom's basement on Valentine's Day 2003.